The Cloven Hoof, Issue 129

The Cloven Hoof

Issue 129

The Grand Conspiracy

What kind of person becomes a Satanist? Who do we identify as Satanists from the past, and why? Dr. LaVey has always used the term "defacto Satanists" to identify those individuals of history who, while perhaps not actually worshiping the Dark Ones at all (at least as far as history can tell), applied the ethics and principles we identify now as "Satanic". Our High Priest has referred to them again and again-Mark Twain, Jack London, John Milton, Somerset Maugham, Friedrich Nietzsche, Zaharoff, Cagliostro, Thomas Paine, Alexander Hamilton, Galileo, Herbert Spencer, Benjamin Franklin-many thinkers, writers, inventors, mystery men, and rebels from many times and countries. If there had been a Church of Satan, these individualists would have been proud to raise a glass to honor Old Nick. Many of them are now held in high regard as men of action and virtue. How can we consider them "Satanic”? First we must define our terms. A Satanist understands our allusions immediately; a non-Satanist is repelled by the Arch-Flend's name. When Anton LaVey founded the Satanic religion, he didn't really invent anything new. But he took something that had always been with us and gave it the proper name for the first time in history.

One of the main reasons I consider Satanism a religion rather than a philosophy is because, as I explain in an article later in this issue, part of the purpose of any religion is to codify standards of behavior through the use of metaphorical images. Most people are carefully taught that all things wicked and "evil" come from Satan. He's been a convenient bugbear for white- light preachers to use to scare people into compliance with certain necessary rules. It's worked for a couple of thousand years but now people are getting wise to the scam. Took them awhile, but even the most doltish are realizing how fluid and subjective the definitions of "good" and "evil" seem to be. People are beginning to realize that all the negative traits that have been attributed to Satan, or the Dark Gods by whatever name, aren't really so bad. Selfishness, pride, willfulness, determination, advocacy of minority positions, disdain for the conventional, curiosity about things others would consider foolish or scary, intense loyalty and idealism-these are just a few of the values Satanists see in the icons we take as role models. These characteristics are what define the Anti-Hero, which is exactly what Satan is to the Satanist.

Demographics experts and pollsters haven't yet identified the Satanic voting block, but I think that's inevitable, the more Satanists there are to stand up and be counted. And what a weird amalgam it will be, once our ideals and ethics are categorized and defined. We believe strongly in the separation of church and state, and oppose tax exemption for churches. This was strongly established by the American forefathers, who were staunch atheists and had seen the dastardly harm that organized religion had perpetrated in the past (for an inspiring read, check out The Federalist Papers and see the principles America was truly founded on). Those of the Religious Right who like to claim that America was founded on Christian principles are wrong. The United States was founded by pride-driven, strong-minded individualists-agnostics, at best. The pilgrims were late to the party, fleeing to America to take advantage of the religious freedom guaranteed in the Constitution since they were persecuted in England and other countries.

Modern Satanists value self-reliance and resourcefulness. We are conservators and collectors, preserving the past-and yet we have very progressive ideas about sexual freedoms, and disdain for various Blue Laws and vice laws established to "protect people from themselves”. We believe that people should be allowed to suffer the consequences of their actions, just as Dr. LaVey quoted Herbert Spencer in the beginning of The Satanic Rituals: "The ultimate effect of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools." We would, therefore, not only support capital punishment but would probably vote for public floggings and executions. Whoever thinks such displays wouldn't be a deterrent to crime has never known real pain.

On the other hand, people should also be rewarded for their initiative, not punished for working hard and choosing to live responsibly. Lines must be clearly drawn between those who support our society and those who are determined to destroy it. Drugs should be legalized, taxed and regulated. Let people kill themselves with cheap opiates if they need to, but they should also pay the price of poverty if their habits prevent them from working, or death if they cause fatalities while driving under the influence of their drug. Guns should be available to responsible citizens, carried and used. Certain individuals who have proven themselves worthy could well be licensed as executioners, encouraged to administer on-the- spot justice at their discretion. Certain alternative medical practices should be evaluated objectively, not constrained by the greed of pharmaceutical companies. Wild and domestic animals should be protected. Natural resources should be used more efficiently and reason should dictate how much regulation of corporate interests are necessary and how much bureaucracy is redundant and wasteful.

We would support abortions not because we see them as anything less than murder but because denying safe abortions to those who are too stupid to use real contraceptives would truly fill the world with fools in no time. Overpopulation is the primary problem anyway; it would get exponentially worse if abortions were not safe and legal. So we opt, in a society of imbeciles, for mass infanticide instead of rationally testing and regulating rights to parenthood. But the Satanist sees abortion for what it is, and weeps for the sacrificial innocents slaughtered on the altar of pseudo-scientific rationalizations (i.e. “It's just a mass of cells, not a real baby.”).

Some great thinkers have seen civilization as the enemy; that "civilized" man is impotent, cut off from Nature. Some see anarchy as the only alternative. But civilization does not have to be at odds with Darwinian law, rather it should be a vehicle to enforce it. Civilization isn't a right. It is earned by each of us each morning we wake up and decide we will not kill without provocation, we will not steal, rape or harm the innocent. We will endeavor to be productive and justify our existence.

Civilization demands conscious decision-and sometimes it demands blood. It is a structure which we all agree to be governed by in exchange for the protection and convenience that community living provides. It is a fragile thing, however. The rules must stand for everyone, all the time, or they can stand for no one. Modern man is not civilized. Vlad the Impaler was civilized; Genghis Khan was civilized. Civilization is pain, and fear of pain. The true leaders, who are always de facto Satanists, have understood that through the centuries. That is our legacy, our responsibility. We're replacing the obsolete fear of God with the fear of something much more concrete and immediate. The herd must always be afraid of Satanists on some level, or we'll lose our ability to lead. There is a Satanic conspiracy, make no mistake about that. It's one that stretches back to the dawn of time itself. It's a far more insidious conspiracy than anyone can imagine. And it's the only hope humanity has for survival.

-Blanche Barton, ed.

Hoof Beat

News that Satanists should know

-TOO LATE! The new Church of Satan poster by COOP (pictured on the last page of the last issue of The Cloven Hooff is already sold out. If you didn't get one, too bad. If you did buy one before they were all gone, hold on to it because the value is already climbing, as with all COOP posters and artwork these days. Did you see the cover story about him in the Summer, 1997, issue of Juxtapoz magazine? How about the interview Boyd Rice did with Coop for Issue #39 of Seconds magazine? How about the exhibit Coop did at La Luz de Jesus Gallery in L.A. during the month of May? Hey, this guy's hot! Rumor has it that his new distributor, Artrock, is anxious for Coop to do an entirely new Church of Satan poster. Contact Artrock at 1155 Mission Street. San Francisco, CA, 94103 (415- 255-7390) for a full-color catalogue of Coop's latest work. You can also view his artwork at: http://www.d.umn.edu/~mpcroces/

-Someone just sent us a copy of Polanski by John Parker. It's a fine biography and includes quite a bit about the filming of Rosemary's Baby and Dr. LaVey's involvement in the film. Something you might want to track down. It was published in 1993 by Victor Gollancz in London and may not have been published yet on this side of the pond. But the sections about Dr. LaVey are entertaining and worth the hunt.

Yes, that was Dr. LaVey you saw on the HBO special, "Fifty Years of Television", and yes. he did say he had Vaseline® on his head. The Joe Pyne Show was a notorious hot-seat show in 1967 when Dr. LaVey appeared to do one of his first national television interviews. All through the program, Pync baited and iibed the High Priest. asking if he'd stolen the large ceremonial ring he wore on his index finger, what that thing hanging around his neck was, and asking very little about the newly-formed Church of Satan. Theodore Bikel, the popular actor and singer, was in the Green Room scheduled to go on the show as Pyne's next guest. But after seeing how Pyne treated Dr. LaVey he said. "You handled that treatment the best you could, Anton, but I don't need this," slipping out the back door to his waiting limousine, leaving Joe Pyne high and dry.

Satanists should be aware that the Cult Awareness Network, which was one of the primary sources of disinformation about Satanism through the Satanic panic of the 80's, went bankrupt in 1996. The organization has been completely reorganized and has asked the Church of Satan for information in order to provide truthful and accurate representation of our philosophy to inquirers. We'll see. But their new literature looks good and they seem to already be acting on their new format. If you're curious, they have a website at www.cultawarenessnetwork.org.

-Note that one of our Grotto Masters that used to work at Magickal Childe no longer does and reports that they have been increasingly resistant to carry Satanic material. So if you're thinking of buying something from them, don't.

-You probably missed the Velvet Hammer Burlesque extravaganza in Los Angeles on September 11th. But you might want a copy of their program because it included an interview with Dr. LaVey which covers his past with the burly-Q. Now only available through La Luz de Jesus Gallery in L.A. for $5.

These little tips may be more newsworthy for some than for others but here are a couple of ideas for Satanic witches. My high heels were worn down to nothing, with the metal showing through and punching holes in any floor I happened to walk across. But you know how painful it is to break in new shoes, so you just keep wearing the old ones... Dr. LaVey is, among other things, a fine shoc cobbler. He got the bright idea of sliding a used .38 shell casing over the tip of my heel and attaching it with electrical tape. It looks like they were designed that way, and I have heels that are practically indestructible. If a .38 shell is too small, try 9 mm or .45 caliber. The MOST important thing to remember is that you can't just open them up and take the powder out-there's still an active charge left at the very bottom and it would be very painful next time you danced in them. The casings have to be from bullets you've actually fired. Now where else could you get such practical advice on how to use those old shell casings you leave laying around the house?

I've also finally run across what looks like a pretty steady supplier for old-style, beige-tone stockings. It's called, not surprisingly. The Stocking Store, 14 Franklin Street, Dept. 714, Rochester, NY, 14604. I've ordered about a dozen pairs from there now and the service seems quick and reliable. The ones I like best arc called the "Full-Fashioned Seamed Stockings, 1950's originals with French Heel and Backseam" and they're $13 a pair (ouch!). But those of us who know how impossible they are to find are glad to pay it for the real thing. They have other styles that are less expensive, scamed, but just a slightly different texture or not so detailed. They also sell belts, bustiers, fishnets and the standard lacy/leather fare. Well worth sending for a catalogue. As demand increases for real stockings, the price is bound to come down.

-That white-trash hellraiser, Jim Goad, publisher of Answer Me! and excellent writer of other inflammatory tracts just came out with a new book: The Redneck Manifesto: America's Scapegoats. Published by Simon and Schuster, it's sure to be in all major hookstores by now and has probably already been banned in at least 5 or 6 states. Rants, opinions and creative solutions from the man who lives up to his name.

-A number of people have either completed or are currently working on Masters' and Doctoral theses dealing with Satanism in general and the Church of Satan in particular. Many of you have asked us for assistance in your work ahead of time and have been kind enough to forward us a copy of the completed project. If you have works of this nature that directly relate to the Church of Satan, please send a copy along for our archives. We've already gathered quite a number of them and it would be a great book once we get enough voices gathered together.

-Mr. Walter Disney made his pact with Satan many, many years ago and his legacy lives on in the corporation that carries his name. Now they've created a town. Celebration, Florida, is a family-oriented controlled community just like Disneyland-where the streets are always clean, people are always happy, and blue-suited guards sneak out of secret panels in the false-front buildings and quietly whisk away shit-disturbers. Sounds great to me. Total environments, here we come.

-If you're into the Black Metal scene, you should know about a couple of terrific shows coming up. One is a Chicago Halloween sabbath sponsored by Michael Hunt Publishing, the people who published the recent edition of Might Is Right with an introduction by Anton LaVey. It's called The Expo of the Extreme and promises to be quite a Hellish gathering. Boyd Rice is going to perform, as well as the Electric Hellfire Club, Acheron and other devilish bands. Jim and Debbie Goad will be Attending Artists, along with cartoonist Mike Diana. The sponsors wanted to develop a kind of Satanic Lollapalooza event and will have booths and exhibits of porn stars, bondage, public piercings and tattooing and various other Halloween surprises. To find out more, call their 24-hour hotline: (312) 409-1888, or call up their website: www.avalon.net/-moon/extreme/. Michael Hunt Publishing also puts out a newsletter, MF Magazine, and included a fine interview with Dr. LaVey in their last issue. Write for a copy from: Michael Hunt Publishing, Post Office Box 226, Bensenville, IL, 60106. I didn't see a cover price but Issue #1 was $4 so that should cover this one too.

The second upcoming Black Metal event is being sponsored by Odin of Moribund Records (they handle Acheron and other demonic bands) called "The Satanic Crusades". It will be a tour of three or four Satanic bands with all the wild and kinky trappings. I think I understood this would take place later this year, but contact Moribund Records directly and ask about "The Satanic Crusade" for further details: Moribund Cult, Post Office Box 77314, Seattle, WA, 98177-0314.

-Another dark Halloween intrigue you might want to indulge in is Thrillvania, in Terrell, Texas. There you'll find Haunted Verdun Manor, as well as magicians, animated entertainers, werewolves and a host of other ghoulish thrills. This is one of the finest haunted house events in the country. The sets, actors, animated figures, costumes and legend aren't just thrown together at the last minute; they work on this project all year and the quality shows. It's a rollicking, atmospheric indulgence for our dark souls. There will be other Satanists about so wear your Baphomet if you want to be identified by your Dark Brothers. The show runs through the month of October. Call (214) 559-5779 or call up www.verdunmanor.com for details.

-I know this is old news but I thought it was worth mentioning, in order to clear up any misconceptions...this whiskey bottle incident that happened in San Francisco a few months ago that so offended that jaded city it stirred up quite a little tempest. Two elements I like most about Satanism, and I think they are inherent in its very foundations, are the aspects of Absurdism and Satire involved. This is not to say that we do not take our religion seriously because we do; I'm speaking in a literary sense. Dr. LaVey called his organization the “Church of Satan" and his book The Satanic Bible because at the time those elements, Church and Bible, meant only Christianity. The early rituals were extreme, in- your-face Satire of all society's sacred cows. The Doctor's present artwork and writing goads and offends as much as possible, not as a contrivance or an empty posture but as a Satanic imperative. This sense of Puckish fur is still alive in the most effective Satanists. It's not so much that we hate people...well, maybe it is. But we recognize that humans are like mules, and like the old joke, it usually takes a good bonk with a two-by-four to get their attention. When I was in junior high school, someone asked me why I wear my Baphomet when I know people will be offended by it. The answer is, of course, children (all together now): If they're offended enough they might be shocked out of their complacency and it might force them to THINK. As an example, witness Steve Johnson Leyba, Satanic Apache Priest. A talented, published artist with a burning compulsion to offend and repulse people. He's got people by the balls. He's had showings at Native American venues in New York where his fellow Red Men were offended by his work and by the fact that he's a Satanist, yet how can anyone criticize him in this age of touchy-feely sensitivity to multicultural issues? When Reverend Leyba's exploits actually hit the papers (for those of you who missed it, he was sodomized by a whiskey bottle, cut with a razor and urinated on to express his disgusted with how Native Americans have been treated in this country-and he was hired to do the show which was not a public function but a private birthday party in which other outrageous acts also performed), even some Satanists were offended that this fellow would be representing himself as a Satanic Priest and that it would besmirch our respectability! Actually, Dr. LaVey bestowed the title of Priest upon Rev. Leyba because he is sincere and committed concerning both his Native American heritage and his Satanic pride. I think the few Satanists who were offended were perhaps not offended by the act itself but were rather dubious about Steve's credentials and his sincerity. He is sincere and Dr. LaVey is proud to have him among our ranks along with others like Marilyn Manson who practice the power of the pitchfork as cattle prod.

-Jim and Debbie's excellent Answer Me! interview with Anton LaVey a few years ago has been anthologized in Splatterpunks II. So if you missed this one, you can now read this terrific interview, along with some of the goriest cutting- edge fiction around.

-Look for the upcoming SECONDS LaVey interview with Boyd Rice in issue #45. This is the second SECONDS interview the Doctor has granted (the first was in issue #27) and is one of his best. Magister Rice has been working more closely with the magazine lately, providing them with the last Tiny Tim interview for issue #43.

-Dr. LaVey just signed a contract for his next book with Feral House. Satan Speaks will be a collection of previously unpublished essays written over the past two years, to be released Spring 1998. Recent books from Feral House have been John Dillinger Slept Here, Cold-Blooded, The Making of a Serial Killer and G. J. Schaefer's striking Killer Fiction. All these can be found in major bookstores. Besides Dr. LaVey's new book, there are some other great titles to look forward to: Lords of Chaos will be an overview of the Black Metal scene, there's a book on the Oklahoma City bombing, one on Japanese fantasy films and Sex, American Style by Jack Boulware, a writer you should know about if you don't already. Feral House will now be acting as distributor for all Dr. LaVey's works, including his CD's, as well as the sometimes hard-to-find Church of Satan book by Blanche Barton. You also might want to look for publisher Adam Parfrey's latest musical release, A Sordid Evening of Sonic Sorrows, available through Man's Ruin Records. Mr. Parfrey recently did an interview with Los Angeles magazine which should be published soon. Feral House has a new address now: 2532 Lincoln Blvd., Suite 359, Venice, CA, 90291, so send for a catalogue. Or you can call up their new website: www.feralhouse.com.

-Speaking of address changes, Amarillo Records, which handles Dr. LaVey's music (yes, they'll have another LaVey recording out later this year) can now be reached at: Amarillo Records, 5714 Folsom Blvd., Suite 300, Sacramento, CA, 95819.

-You should also know about a new Black Magic shop opened by a Church of Satan couple in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, called "The Dark Side”. Their store, dedicated to selling only Satanic books and materials, actually got on the local evening news of all three major networks with the tale of neighbors concerned about their children's safety and the store-front Christian outlet across the street praying for their salvation. Mind you, this isn't even a grotto building; this is a place of business would the opening of a new synagogue get that kind of reaction from neighbors and such biased reporting? Why should I be surprised that such closed minds still exist in our present rocket age? One reporter claimed the shop even sells The Satanic Bible (gasp!) "which advocates animal sacrifice and, in certain cases, human sacrifice". Well, yes, now that you mention it-we do make certain exceptions for extraordinarily stupid people who can't read the words in front of them.

-A Representative from Oklahoma, Ernest Istook, Jr., is trying yet again to chisel away at the wall of division between Church and State in the good old U. S. of A. This time it's in the form of a proposed Constitutional amendment dictating that we should "permit, but not mandate school prayer and other religious expression on public property." This isn't just local legislation; if passed through the House and Senate and ratified, this would be the new law of the land. It could be interpreted to mean that public monies should be wasted on varied expressions of religious freedom, Christian and otherwise. This is in direct opposition to what the Founding Fathers intended for the United States. If Satanists were whiners, of course, we'd support this legislation and demand equal representation and financial support for Satanic concerns as well. When similar changes have been debated in the past, that eventuality has been brought up by those opposing them. “Well, if you grant financial support for Christian crosses, what are you going to do when the Satanists demand we finance sacrificial altars in our public parks?" That usually stops them in their tracks. If you're going to be religiously sensitive, you've got to be sensitive to all concerns, even those who offend you. Last December, we were mentioned briefly in Newsweek in this context. It seems a chain store had the bright idea to restore the spirit of Christmas giving by contributing 5 percent of every purchase price to their customers' designated place of worship. "We thought it would increase business-and, of course, be good for the churches, too," bragged a spokesman. Newsweek asked the question, "But just how should a cashier handle pledges to the Druids or the Church of Satan?” “We told them to be real sensitive," says a company VP, "but we certainly wouldn't be making any donations like that." (12/9/96) We're pragmatic and realize that more federal waste is going to break this country's spine. But if legislators are stupid enough to pass such an amendment, then we move on to Plan Two-equal rights under the law. Make your views known.

-There are a number of websites on the ethers now through which you can find information about the Church of Satan and Satanism in general, with lots o' links to related topics as well. The two main Satanic sites right now are The Satanic Network (http://www. satannet.com) and Hell: The Online Guide to Satanism (webpages.marshall.edu/~allen12/ index.html). Hell was among "The Web 100", voted by cybersurfer magazine as one of their favorite sites (April, 1997). It was also chosen as an excellent site by Wired (9/96), and mentioned in a fairly comprehensive article in Internet Underground (August, 1996) which covered Satanism on the Web. When covering the mass suicide in Rancho Santa Fe earlier this year, the media had to do a few sidebars on exactly what kind of wackos have sites on the 'Nets. You guessed it-what a perfect opportunity to flash a Baphomet on the T.V. screen and make America tremble in fear. The site they featured in Newsweek was The Satanic Network (April 7, 1997). Do you know what you'd have to pay for this kind of publicity? Thanks Hale-Bopp. So many loonies, so few comets. The Satanic Network also got a fine review in the June issue of The Internet Underground Magazine. Both of these sites have many links to other sites run by people, grottos and retailers directly affiliated with the Church of Satan. The Hell site hasn't been updated for some time so head for The Satanic Network for current links and the ̈ latest news. Or contact our on-line representative, Magistra Peggy Nadramia (nadramia@panix.com) for a more complete list of affiliating websites and answers to commonly-asked questions.

THE GOD OF THE ASSHOLES

by Anton Szandor LaVey It is believed, by empirical evidence, that many people who professed no belief in a deity when younger, turn to "God" when they get old. Presumably, the closer they get to death, the greater their need for the comfort provided by religion.

Well; I guess I'm no exception to the rule. I seldom touch on theology. Apart from my Satanic Bible, I have left all discussion of gods and their creators to others to debate or exorcise, whatever be their requirements. Now, I must confess; I have found God, or rather I should say I have found a God. He (yes, he is usually male, and I'll tell you how I know) is not the kind of god 1 want to get to know. He is a total asshole.

Why do I say such things? Am 1 trying to show how blasphemous I can get, because it's expected of me? I can assure you; if I appear rude, it's because there truly is very little good I have to say about the God I have discovered.

We all know what an asshole is. If God isn't an asshole, he certainly acts like one. He's completely unjust; a shit disturber; impulsive;

capricious and mercurial; irresponsible and unpredictable; a spoilsport, bad loser, child molester, and stoolie. He thrives on intrigue, scandal and gossip, likes to punish the just and reward the rotten. It's true: he loves the common man. The commoner, the better. If a common man does not believe in him, He makes a believer out of the simple soul by killing his little girl or placing him into a precarious situation whereby the poor guy must pray to Him. In short; God is just like real, unthinking, insensitive, avaricious and petty people.

Of course, God is a very Jungian construct. He was created by small men to serve their needs, according to their needs. Then; after the limited minds of millions of stupidos acknowledged Him, the goddam dummies pretended it was the other way around. They insisted that God created man. They admitted that God created man in His own image, but could never extend the similarity beyond that. Not wanting to portray God as a monster, they presented Him as a patriarch in a long white robe with go-aheads and a long white beard. That way, they could make a stern father figure out of him, to set an example for His children. If Daddy says it's okay to act like an unthinking asshole, then it behooves His followers to act accordingly. Thus given a green light, His minions are off and running.

The collective power of all the minds that accept the god of the assholes, gives substance to such a divinity. It displays the power of magic. It is the collective will of millions of ten-watt humans. By their very faith, their God becomes a reality.

His minions are quite correct in many of their theological presumptions. Their God watches over them-at least as well as their own fuckup natures can do. If the god they have created sometimes appears callous, so do they. That's why He can be excused so easily. After all; He's only human, and you know what assholes they can be! If something is "God's will", it's because He is willful. But like "pride”, it comes in both real and false. There is a big difference between "Will" and "willful."

I said I'd tell you why God is usually masculine in form. It's because most of his creators were guys. Since he's been around so long, enough female assholes have appeared, that He might occasionally take on a female form. Knowing what a welsher and double-crosser God can be, don't be surprised if He isn't a guy in drag. God, like his disciples, likes to make promises he can't keep; getting human hope up, only to let it down. It's a nice trick to boost His ego. It's called "prayer."

If God is what I reckon Him to be, and Satan represents his antithesis, I'll place my faith in Satan. I have self-respect. Thus, I must have respect for the personification I select as a divinity. I cannot respect assholes. I don't quite know which is worse; an asshole or a fuckup-a wise guy or a dumbbell. Being as how the popular God seems to possess the characteristics of both, I want no part of Him. I not only reject Him, but I despise Him. He is all that is mean and spiteful and petty. I would like to blow Him away. If I thought that by firing my .45 into the air I could exterminate Him, I would. There are two things wrong with that kind of tribunal. (A) Knowing "God's will", the bullet would come down on some innocent kid. (B) If I kill God: do I really want all the assholes of the world praying to Satan? Isn't He too good for them? Too reasonable? Too logical?

Satan may have always actually ruled the world, but He had to provide the self-righteous with a Good Guy Badge. The assholes, placing great store on fancy awards and titles, elevated themselves to Godhead status, by proxy, but couldn't admit it. Perhaps Satan wants no part of such people, either. He knows that when they make a mess of things, He's the one who has to clean it up.

Film Noir, Tragedy and the Satanist

by Michael Rose Over the years, I have heard from several people who find the repeated references to the genre of film noir in various Church of Satan writings to be inexplicable. What, they wonder, does all this have to do with Satanism? The answer to this is not a simple one. In The Secret Life of a Satanist, Dr. LaVey addresses this issue, and normally I have referred these various inquirers to this book. Aside from such elements as aesthetics, cynicism, irony, atmospherics, which provide ample reason to watch, there is another element of film noir that makes it the ideal choice for Satanic viewers. Film noir is practically the only modern form of tragic drama.

Tragedy is not in favor today. This situation is not surprising as the masses are far too weak to enjoy tragedy. As Nietzsche observed in The Birth of Tragedy, only strong individuals can truly enjoy tragedy. The weak find it far too depressing. Do you doubt this? Just look at some of the things popular amongst the herd, if you can stomach it. What will you find? Happy endings. Mindlessly cheerful pap. There is an odd genre popular amongst the herd. Some have

characterized it as tragic, but it is not. This type of movies or plays depict those suffering from disease, or victimized by others in some way. The aim of such things is quite different from the tragic view. These betray their puritanical origins with their tiresome moralizing and "uplifting" messages. They pose as educational tools trying to eliminate the various ills depicted. The tragic view is not that the ills of the world must be purged, but rather, that the ills of the world must be endured.

The Nietzschean superman is characterized by an ability to look on even the less enjoyable aspects of life unflinchingly. This too describes the Satanist. Unlike the herd, we need no sugar coated pseudo-reality or uplifting messages. We know that life isn't fair, and never will be. We grow stronger through the realization of this fact. This fact is reinforced through tragic drama, including film noir. Of course, the recognition of the true nature of life should not render you grim and humorless. Quite to the contrary, we should learn to seize the day and wring from it all the happiness and pleasure it can yield. To laugh, even in the face of adversity, is the prerogative of the strong.

Some, notably Ayn Rand, have written disparagingly of tragedy. They characterize the tragic worldview as one postulating a malevolent universe. This is a mistaken notion. The tragic view, while not necessarily atheistic, rejects the notion that there is somebody out there that cares about us. It states that even if there were gods, we'd still be on our own. The universe is not malevolent, it is uncaring. Were we to see the universe as being malevolent, as something which sought our downfall, we would be mere pessimists. We are not pessimists. The Satanist is a pragmatist. We know that life has ups and downs. We savor the upside, we endure the downside, knowing, as Nietzsche said, what doesn't kill us strengthens us. As the tragic heroes of the past, we will never surrender. We will not allow ourselves to give up in the face of misfortune. We endure where others would give up and die.

It is important to stress the distinction between the pessimists, and those who share the tragic view of life. The pessimist says, “Everything comes to nought in the end, so why bother? Nothing matters." Such a nihilistic outlook is self-defeating. Those who think this way set themselves up for failure. Those who share in a tragic sense know that no matter how well you plan for things, things can go wrong. As Doc Riedenschneider asks in The Asphalt Jungle, "Blind accidents! What can you do against blind accidents?" The answer is, of course, nothing. This doesn't mean that you should accept failure or defeat as inevitable, merely possible. Defeatist attitudes are alien to us. We struggle, even in the face of defeat, because it is better to die on your feet than on your knees. No other option is available to us. The tragic hero, or anti-hero, is a quintessentially Satanic character. He always struggles back to his feet, or dies in the struggle. He accepts the cards that fate deals to him and makes the best of them. Even if he despairs he doesn't give up. If for nothing else, this tragic aspect is ample reason for the Satanist to watch films noir.

The Weaker Sex

by Dr. Adulto Piepcheau There has long been an assumption the woman is the weaker sex. It is no longer so. Women have grown quite larger over the years, and of course brute strength goes hands in gloves with the physical size of the individual. The ideal woman now is a large creature, larger than most men were before all these hormones made a change in significant size. The ideal woman is now almost a six footer. A woman who is five four is a shrimp.

Men who are under five ten are shrimps. Shrimps should do the light work, regardless of gender. Many women do men's work who are not qualified to the task at hand, as it has always been. It is always the little women who are in this category and should be helped by bigger people regardless of gender. Light people for light tasks. Big for big. If women have been able to dress different from the men, it is because the big fellows would look silly dressed that way. Now things are different. By this, I mean that a man still looks ridiculous and ludicrous dressed as a woman but not quite as silly because there are so many big women around and who's to tell the difference, especially when the big women dress like men.

My solution is to balance things out according to size. Anyone under five six dresses like a woman and gets help and has doors opened and packages carried, regardless of gender. Those over five foot six must dress like men and do the physical work of men, regardless of gender. That's the way they do it in the animal kingdom where the female of the species is almost always smaller than the male.

The question arises: what about a shrimpy man who wants to dress like a man and not a woman? Here's the good part. He can, but he still gets help even though people know he's a man. In other words, he is treated with the same consideration as a woman. Perhaps a big woman will help him with his groceries, etc. Likewise, a large woman can dress in men's clothes and be prepared to carry out men's tasks. In exceptions where the husband is crippled but large in size and is being assisted by a small woman, a small handicapped plaque should be worn by the man, like the type one sees on dashboards.

It will be argued that in some cases, size has nothing to do with strength; a little woman (or little man) having greater strength than some big ones, especially among the elderly. This is where equality comes in. Still, it is size that counts. The larger should always come to the physical aid of the smaller, REGARDLESS OF GENDER. Like the aunt who labors under a burden much larger than itself, it is noble but should be unnecessary. A bigger, stronger aunt should offer voluntarily to carry the big ball of shit for the industrial but smaller aunt.

That's why the Pyramids was built by the men of ancient Egypt and not the women. Because in those days almost all men, like other animals, were bigger and stronger than women. Now that there are big women, most physical work can be done by them. Thank God that nobody notices or cares about other differences between the sexes, as popular habit has it. A large woman can lift more than a small man, even though the man officially has the penis. Like the bees, a small man can still impregnate a large woman and often do. When the large wife carries the packages, dressed as a man, her shrimpy husband coyly walks beside in his dress, even though he possesses a gigantic male penis beneath it. Conversely, A huge man of 6'4" should dress as a man and carry the groceries, despite a one and a half inch penis fully extended.

The main reason for so much gender confusion is in the unpredictable size of the individual. Bone structure has changed so the angular features once associated with masculinity are now worn on the continences of the females. Needless to state, the reverse applies whereby the more rounded pudgy features are to be found on males. The women who tend to be big, also tend to have acrilon (angular) features and size 12 shoes. The men have mush faces and longer hair and would in the past have made better women.

Egos are strong in both sexes with little or no insecurity regarding gender. My theory is that women have become so pumped up with their superiority that they have grown larger as well. They have attained the physical stature of men. They dress like men. They walk like men. They should be treated like men and carry the heavy stuff. It is unfair to still observe a porter of the Negro race, at an airport, carrying the baggage of a six foot woman who is dressed like a man. The Colored porter has a wife and kids to support like anybody else and better ways of making a living than hoisting trunks for a mannish white woman who thinks she is better than him; not because she's white, but because she is officially a woman. Please don't talk to me about further discussion as I have say all 1 wish to said concerning the subject.

Letters to the Devil

Despite our best intentions in devising this column, judging from letters addressed to "Letters to the Devil” it doesn't seem that Satanists have many burning questions regarding ritual magic, but they certainly have a lot of questions about applying real Lesser and Greater Magic to better their lives. Working on an administrative level within the Church of Satan is always interesting. The following letters give you an idea why it's always so darned intriguing.

Thank you for your great article on Satanic childraising in The Cloven Hoof #128! There are alot of things in your article I can apply in raising my daughter. But there is one little problem for me though my spouse!, who is also the mother of my daughter. She doesn't want to hear anything about Satanism and especially not when it comes to talk of our daughter. She didn't think anything special of Satanism some time ago, but now she thinks it's scary, brutal, etc., because of all the negative shows she's seen on television. At the same time that I want my daughter to be different from all the other kids, my spouse wants her to be exactly like the other kids in our neighborhood! Are there other Satanists out there who have the same problem I have? It's not easy to raise your kid in a Satanic way when there are so many Christians around, I'm sorry to say, Hail Satan! (Member in Sweden) Dear (member):

Thanks for the kind words. As for the difficulties in raising your daughter Satanically, in most ways you can raise her to be responsible and sensitive and strong without calling it specifically "Satanic". The things that will most bother you will be not being able to share holidays you find important, Satanic imagery and that sort of thing. Perhaps you and your daughter can develop a "secret" understanding of magical, spooky things that will only be something you and she share, apart from your wife. Sometimes magic and Satanism become all the more appealing and powerful because they are hidden and forbidden in some way. I'm sure you'll raise your daughter to be smart, strong and determined-with a good bullshit detector. That's what matters most.

We've been getting an increasing amount of interest from articulate, committed Satanists in rural areas. There are also many urban Satanists who would consider moving to more rural areas for the isolation and cheaper housing but who fear repercussions for themselves, their property and their children after being discovered to be the local "devil worshipers". In the context of another letter, I asked one of our members who teaches at a local university ("local", in this case, was Boise, Idaho) to speculate on the increased interest.

I suggest some factors in Idahoans' growing interest in Satanism and occult/pagan ideas:

• Agrarian Idahoans accept pagan-friendly beliefs easily because some of these beliefs are ingrained in farming culture; e.g. the relation of lunar cycles to animal birthing and fertility.

"Popular acceptance of ESP, scrying, divination, alternative healing practices, supernatural and supernormal beings, are firmly accepted without argument. Drumming circles are a popular pastime of “normal people”.

• Recent and persistent migration of numerous white middle class and upper middle class Californians and others in search of low crime and cheaper housing, and mood altering herb/chemical availability.
• Proliferation of Internet availability at state colleges/universities.
• Recent infusion of Boise with several large bookstores sporting large alternative culture sections: Barnes and Noble, Border's Books, Hastings, as well as several smaller, already existent pagan/occult bookstores.

So Idaho is not isolated from the movement toward new cultures.

This from a member ready for enthusiastic utilization of artificial human companions: Dear Church of Satan,

I'd like to know if anyone is making 4-5 ft. plush toy devils, elves, satyr lads, etc. If you know of no one doing this sort of artificial human companion variation on large teddy bears, how much would it cost me to do a short paper in The Cloven Hoof asking for those with the resources and capital to put together a company to make some huggable, wrestling-partner plush toys of this kind? Besides being suitable for kids of all ages within Satanism, these would make cool learn-to-fight partners. One could hit the targets and twist 'em, etc. Just right as part of learning fighting skills. Of course, a simple manual going over how the body moves when hit (i.e., a diaphragm shot will bend the person over) would be provided by myself for a reasonable "Battle Bear Manual" fee.

Development of artificial human

companions should include elves, satyrs, demons, and human plush toys, I think. Just think of it. Your kids would be the envy of the neighborhood as they get to sleep with a really happening toy Lucifer or whatever.

There is a very good market available through the martial arts scene for lightweight throwing and hitting targets shaped like 3-D human beings. I'm interested in ones 4-5 ft. tall so that adults can get the use that little kids do out of 3 ft, high teddy bears. Plus they would make it as hug-your-devil buddies for fun time spent in between magical workings. Me? I'd like a cute, scantily-clad elf lad or a basic devil lad nude form complete with a tail! The idea would be to have them durable and under $200 each, perhaps even some in the $100 range. If anyone is making such toy humans, please let me know. Also please let me know if no one is, to your knowledge.

Here's a guy with ideas! When I spot his name on a ballot, I'll let you know so we can vote for someone sensible for a change. Ms. Barton, Please grant me a moment of indulgence that I may be permitted to express, albeit briefly, an idea I've had concerning the nature and practice of capital punishment in this country. As I'm sure you're well aware, an execution by firing squad took place some time ago and received a great deal of media coverage. This gave me the idea that a special action such as this should and could be managed by the state as a revenue-generating apparatus. Knowing generally that a firing squad consists of five men, a lottery should be held and the public at large allowed to participate. Ticket prices should be kept as low as possible (perhaps around $10 a pop) in order to foster a sense of perceived consumer democracy. After a random drawing, winners notified via certified mail would then become the subject of an extensive background investigation to be conducted by the local P.D. (felons naturally being excluded from participation) who would in turn also bear the responsibility for the certification of marksmanship and weapons proficiency. These hurdles aside, winners can then be given their ceremonial black hoods (a memento mori, if you will) and an assignment of their choosing. Meanwhile, funds generated could then be channeled back into the local economy perhaps providing capital for a much-needed public works project (there are a lot of potholes out there that need filling!) or, just as importantly, for the use of neglected libraries and historical sites. Either way, I think it's a winning idea that, hopefully, no one's thought of before because I'd hate to think I wasted all this ink!

Dear Cloven Hoof:

Two questions and an observation. First, I have a question about hauntings. What is the best way to get rid of a bullying, threatening spirit? My basic assumption was a Destruction Ritual, but perhaps there are special things to do when the object of your hatred is already dead. This particular spirit has drawn a triangle in blood and has threatened its host with death. I don't believe in ghosts myself, but I promised a friend I'd help her out anyway.

The second is on the proper use of a Lust Ritual. Can it be used to also achieve non-lustful desires? For example, casting a love charm on someone who has a nice house if one is getting tired of his own usual surroundings-would the secondary goal just short out the ritual, creating backlash?

My observation is that sticking pins in voodoo dolls is fun, and setting fire to voodoo dolls is also fun, but when you want to stomp out a burning voodoo doll it is best not to put pins in it, because you might hurt your feet. It seems obvious now, but in a state of Decompressed Intellect it is easy to ignore things like that.

Thank you for your time.

Yes, I can only imagine. Something for all advanced ritual magicians to keep in mind.

A bullying spirit...well, as you know from basic psychology, a person who has become vulnerable to a malevolent spirit probably has a lot of problems in her life caused by her mental state. Most magic has to be initiated and performed by the person directly involved (or the person desiring action); that's why you can't really cast a love spell or other such things on someone else's behalf unless you have a great deal of natural empathy and can essentially become that person on some plane (which you probably would not want to do if she is the kind of person who makes herself vulnerable to harmful energies). Only the person herself has the emotional impetus to make real magic happen. So, in this case, if you want to help your friend, she must participate in any rituals you perform, first and foremost. You must close the pathway she has opened to these negative spirits. A Destruction Ritual, modified to substitute the idea of disintegration of the destructive spirit- which would mean death to that spirit-instead of death in a physical sense would be most effective. As long as the ritual is convincing and reassuring to your friend, then the harmful manifestations will fade. On a Lesser Magical level, try to get her involved in hobbies or activities outside herself, ideally something physical- dancing lessons, pottery-making, backpacking- she'll have less obsession about her own inner workings and free herself to be more productive in the real world.

That's an interesting question about your hidden, secret motivation (you like the girl's house) shorting out the stated goal (you have lust for her). There's a possibility that what you suggest would happen, the entire ritual would be shorted out and you'd get slapped across the face hard by the Dark Ones. The best thing to do is approach the ritual honestly, saying you want to become involved with this specific girl because you want to move up in the world. The basic ritual wouldn't be one of conjuring physical lust but rather your lust for riches. Focus on sparkling coins, large houses, jewels, sumptuous food, opulent surroundings, fine art and music, deep carpets and fine silks, satins and velvets. Rub yourself with velvet and satin, shower yourself with coins, roll around on a pile of dollar bills, cut photos from magazines or draw your ideal home if you can-use all your senses just as you would with a conjuration toward physical lust. If you can evoke physical excitement over these things and can relieve yourself sexually over them, so much the better. For that time in the ritual chamber, these things must matter more to you than food or breath. In this way your ritual will remain clearly focused on the wealth and surroundings you desire, not so much on lust for the girl herself.

Occasionally we get letters complaining that the one-time registration fee of $100 is just too much for the individual to come up with all at once. The following letter just shows what a little initiative can do. I print the gentleman's letter as it was received: Now, here's an offer that no woman could possibly refuse; if she loves for men to perform "French-love", on her;

For each of the fifteen installment payments of paying my dues; I will perform French love on a woman (15)-separate times. She must, in return; purchase money orders in increments of $6.66 each; (15) of them, to pay the balance of my dues off toward my membership in the Church of Satan. Each time I perform French-love on her, is worth $6.66, in the form of a payment toward my dues. Each payment made, has to be for $6.66- exactly, and made out to the Church of Satan, and sent to the Church of Satan.

Here's the qualifications that must be met, in order for me to consider a woman or women.

1) They or her, must be disease-free! No exceptions!

2) They or her, must keep their body clean! No exceptions!

3) They or her-must be White (Caucasian) No exceptions!

4) They or her-must be drug-free No exceptions!

5) They or her-must not smoke cigarettes or use tobacco of any kind! No exceptions!

6) They or her must be from between the ages of (21-50).

7) They or her-must discreetly write to me and give me their address and phone number in which I can call them collect, to get in contact with them.

8) They or her-must have their own place in which I can come to, to serve them.

9) They or her--must; if I don't have transportation to get to her place, must furnish my way there and back home, even if it is to be by taxi- cab.

10) They or her must live within the area I live-in. The Dallas-Ft. Worth, or surrounding area thereof, in Texas.

11) They or her-must be willing to accept me whenever I am available.

12) They or her, must provide me with some type of protection to my tongue and face, during the performance of French-love. Maybe a zip-loc bag with the top removed or some plastic wrap.

13) Last but not least-they or her, must be an active member of the Church of Satan! And if she wants further performances of French-love after my dues are paid-in full-we can discuss that issue at that time.

This offer is limited to females (natural- born); females, only!

The woman can be from out of town, but she must pay for the room, if a motel is needed.

And she can be a blonde; brunette; or red-head. I don't believe I am asking for too much! In the event there are no-takers;

I shall pay the dues payments myself! I will only accept letter's from the women! No phone calls, please!

And the letter's must be sent to me discreetly! If they want me to write back to them; they must send me a self-addressed-stamped #10-security envelope. This offer good till the dues are paid-from now-1997 till the year 2000! If there are any women out there in exceptionally good shape like Elizabeth Taylor, or some ex-porno star like Candy Samples, I would be willing to extend the acceptable age in which they may qualify to participate.

Please let me know if you can accept this type of activity, as a means of getting my dues paid to the Church of Satan. I hope to be hearing from some women by mail, if you will help me out, by getting the word out. Thank you! I will keep in touch with you.

P.S.; I reserve the right to choose whom I want, if possible. The women may send me a nude picture of their body-spread eagle-their legs spread apart, so I can get a look at what they look like, to see if I might be interested in choosing them. Fair enough? I like the Reba McEntyre, types! Red-hair, etc.

Do you folks approve of and like my idea of paying dues to join the Church of Satan? If so, maybe you can start offering it as an alternative method of collecting dues for membership into the Church of Satan. After all, women do like French love, from what I've been told!

What better way could there be, to help satisfy the urge of sexual intimacy in women, while at the same time pay for dues into the Church of Satan? And a good way to help the Church of Satan to grow in membership, as well as make some money.

Will you draw up pledges and put everything on them and the (13) requirements and send me a checking copy of the pledge, so I can see how it will look after you've drawn it up professionally?

Remember; I am just learning French love, so I think the pledge charge of $6.66 per session, is a fair price to charge. I like using that number anyway! Don't you agree? Let's go to work, o.k.?

Thank you! I wouldn't mind servicing some nurses; or secretaries; or some adult movie queens.

Is Satanism a Religion?

by Blanche Barton

People usually become Satanists for one of two reasons. One is essentially motivated by running away from something, the other by running toward. Many people who were brought up in Christian households found it emotionally or psychologically oppressive and/or intellectually stifling. When they reach an age of maturity, they turn to Satanism out of rebellion. Sometimes their understanding of the philosophy is limited to what they have been told Satanism is in Christian churches (and, usually, mass media represent- ations). They try to do all the wicked nasty things that some preacher told them Satan tempts them to do. To be a Satanist means, in their eyes, to be as blasphemous and outrageous as possible. To scoff, hurt, kill, offend, destroy, and posture at being heartless and cruel because that's what will hurt Big Daddy in the sky. It is no more than that, either-rooted in the same childish period of rebellion against parental authority that is an inevitable hurdle toward maturation. Many of our people use the term "Christian Satanist" or "devil worshiper", to distinguish this kind of Satanist from the second kind. They are usually centered on some black metal rock group, and have an attitude of “Oh, those Church of Satan types. They're wimps. They don't have real balls. We're tough guys--we really get down and dirty." If you are this kind of Satanist, or some similar variation, I urge you to stop reading now. You will probably become bored, frustrated and disdainful of this magazine. You won't understand or need to understand what is addressed here. And when or if you mature enough to want a mate and family. you will probably return to the loving arms of your God, whom you never really left.

The second variety of Satanists are just as disdainful and angry against herd conformity, but for different reasons. They may have been brought up in an atheistic, humanistic or agnostic family, having little exposure to any belief system. They have no need to rebel against the icons of Christianity, yet they feel drawn to the imagery of Satan as it is describe in the popular consciousness. Every society has had metaphors that represent the rebellious spirit. It doesn't require a "belief" in God, or even familiarity with white-light teachings to feel aligned with Satan. This second type of Satanist still feels rebellious against the hypocrisy of Christianity, the contradictions and lies told as truths. But he comes to the images not out of simple inversion but from a more complex understanding. It is this second type that are more likely to remain Satanists all their lives, since they were probably already Satanists long before they read The Satanic Bible. Anton LaVey's book was not a revelation for them, but rather a reinforcement of what they already felt. They will carry the philosophy with them throughout their lives and inevitably pass a lot of their attitudes to their children.

Since Satanists don't believe in a supernatural deity guiding their lives, is Satanism a religion, or is it a philosophy? To die-hard rationalists among us, Satanism has been described as an anti-religion, or “militant atheism". Do you need a religion to establish a family, raise kids, create a productive community, or is Satanism inherently against this type of institutional structure? These are important points to clarify if Satanism is going to survive beyond one or two generations. To examine them, we must look at the purpose of religion, and if Satanism satisfies that purpose. Religion evolved to explain natural phenomena that we couldn't understand, but more importantly, to dictate to a group of people what is and isn't acceptable behavior. One person on a desert island wouldn't need ethics or morality, but add one other person and you've got to have common rules of conduct. We have to be able to get along with people or nothing gets done. That's why the Ten Commandments were established. Rape, murder, stealing, looting....these things that are harmful to a community must be agreed upon. Rationalists would urge these established rules be taught as ethics, not morality. But we don't live in a "nation of philosophers" and most people need to be afraid of supernatural retribution to act justly and fairly. Satanists hear this presupposition all the time in comments like, "Well, gee-if you don't believe in God or Hell, that means you're free to kill or steal from anybody you want!”, immediately assuming we need the same kind of “fear of God" they do to act responsibly to our fellow creatures. Religions generally provide the supernatural Big Brother to put some force behind the rules. Other people may not know everything you do but GOD knows who's been naughty and nice (by whatever name he's called), and you'll pay dearly if you dare step out of line.

But, says the rationalist, these practical needs for an ethical society can be easily approached without the mythical veneer imposed by a religion. Is a religious context necessary?, or does it leave the door to mumbo-jumbo open too wide? Do the benefits outweigh the possible intellectual abuses? How is a religion different from a philosophy, and does Satanism qualify as a religion? Modern Satanism, as defined by Anton LaVey, is still relatively new, and there are people who agree with his philosophy but who don't want to hang the pejorative label of "Satanist" around their necks. People who are timid about the label but who still find themselves agreeing with the commonsense aspects of LaVey's religion will probably call themselves "atheists" or "humanists" or "agnostics" or even "Wiccans". They'll be comfortable using the Devil's tools, but not taking His name. And they won't be Satanists. You can't embrace the philosophical rationality of Satanism and not utilize the images of Satan in a ritualistic sense. The two are inextricably bound together. That is what makes it a religion and not a philosophy. A religion is a metaphorical language that a group of people agree to respect and be guided by. It must:

A) Communicate values and standards to a group of people through metaphorical role models;

B) Provide a sense of belonging, continuance and community through common rituals and ceremonies; and

C) Provide spiritual or psychic sustenance by allowing us an archetypal language with which to conjure forth greater strength and power within ourselves.

Neither atheism nor humanism (nor Ayn Rand's "Objectivism") qualify as religions because they don't have any body of archetypes to draw from, nothing to orient your life. They don't pretend to be religions, and many people find them dissatisfying, limiting.

If, therefore, we see Satanism as more than just a set of rational guidelines for everyday interactions, it implies that we will use its symbology to communicate our cultural values to generations beyond us. The next question then is, what values does Satanism communicate? Does Satanism as a religion support having a mate, raising a family, interacting with the community around you in a productive way? Does it inherently contain values that can encourage and sustain? Or is it self-limiting because of the element of selfishness inherent in it? Is it only for head-banging teenagers who want to scare their parents, who have to turn to another religion to sustain them once they mature and get ready to settle into the responsibilities of family life?

One glance at the Nine Satanic Statements, the Satanic Rules of the Earth, and the Satanic Sins should answer these questions. All of our basic attitudes can be gathered from reading these few sheets, expanded in The Satanic Bible. The values communicated here reflect courage, honesty, loyalty and honor. We've gotten letters from many people who were confused, alienated, bitter and self-destructive until they found the realism and courage through Satanism that they couldn't find in any other religion. It isn't for everyone, but we should make sure that our literature is available and understood by the general populace enough to allow LaVey's ideas to be discovered by those few born Satanists.

If taken one at a time, our Nine Statements can be distilled to a few operative words: indulgence, vital existence, wisdom, earned kindness, vengeance, responsibility, empathy with animals, gratification and pragmatic realism. Nothing there seems inconsistent with living a productive, passionate life. The Rules of the Earth state eleven very simple, Darwinian imperatives-instructions on conducting yourself in society: Don't give advice, don't whine about your problems, show respect in another's home, expect respect in your own home, don't make unwanted sexual advances, don't steal, acknowledge magical forces, don't complain, don't hurt children, don't hurt animals, and treat others as they treat you. Clear, direct and not incompatible with living among fellow humans. The number one sin in the Satanic religion is stupidity, followed closely by pretentiousness, herd conformity, self-deceit, solipsism, lack of perspective, counterproductive pride, and lack of aesthetics. None of our basic tenets advocate anything that would be harmful if practiced by a large segment of the population. On the contrary, life might be considerably simpler and more just if these simple principles were put into practice.

In the wider perspective, Satanism respects children and animals for the natural magicians they are. It encourages us to echo their child-like wonder and freedom from societal constraints in ourselves. Satanists feel that Satan is rightly called the Lord of the Earth and, rather than hoping and waiting for some grand apocalypse to blow everything up so we won't have to worry anymore, we feel a responsibility to help the Earth here and now, since it is our Master's realm. We care more about the Earth and the animals than we care about the yeast-mold creatures leeching off it. We aren't waiting to die and be transported to some murky never-never land, nor do we worship an archetype of submission and death. We take pride in man's achievements as his own, not crediting some nonexistent deity for bestowing our discoveries and inventions upon us. We are prideful in our personal accomplishments, thanking ourselves for our own skills and hard work. Through questioning and doubt, Satanism encourages science and learning; through the use of magic, we explore untrodden, dark realms where science leaves off.

Satanism differs from other religions in that you don't have to compromise your intellect to participate in the pageantry and pomp. We enter into a state of rational suspension by choice. And there is gravity and sobriety and majesty in our rituals, unlike the boring, watered-down sermons and services used by white-light religions. Being in the position of iconoclasts, accusers, we are never static. There will always be new sacred cows to butcher, new hypocrisies to be spotlighted and exorcized. Satanism is never isolated from real life. We don't ghettoize ourselves but feel that our status and worth are reflected best in the effect we have in the world around us. We participate in "worthy" causes to the extent that it gives us ego gratification, personal benefits and selfish pleasure. We care for our children and those we love not because we wear a Goodguy Badge of righteous piety, but because it makes us feel good. We're selfish. And it's that very selfishness that allows us to give of ourselves when we wish, without guilty compulsion to do so.

In short, Satanism is very practical and pragmatic. It most certainly contains values that can encourage and sustain us as individuals, as families, and as communities. The archetypes we align ourselves with evoke courage and concentration. Ours is no more than the same commonsense wisdom that people have depended on for centuries, minus self-righteous self-deceit. The inherent selfishness of Satanism isn't self- limiting, but rather the very element that allows us the choice of doing things joyfully for others when we want to, without being pressured by guilt when we don't, or complaining when we do.

It's a magical rite of passage when you consider starting a family. It requires reflection, re-examination of values, clarification of your goals and priorities.... These things will no longer be important only to you; you'll be providing a life- framework for a new little mind who will depend on you for protection, support and guidance. Parenthood requires immense patience, and it helps if you have a philosophy that works. You're a Satanist because you've found that your religion can provide the confidence and determination you found nowhere else. If your heart, mind and soul are strong you can pass that strength to future generations of Satanists.

When Our Son Died...

by Jeffrey and Rachelle Nagy

Let me start by stating that I have the utmost respect for law enforcement. Hopefully my tragic experience isn't the norm for the way Satanists are treated, although I'm sure it is. This is not an attack on law enforcement, merely a caveat. This is what we experienced in a time ofe complete tragedy..........

My wife and I had a son named Andrew who passed away in September of 1996 at the age of 20 months. He was the most important thing in our lives, and very much helped us keep our sanity and our goals intact. I never thought death was lingering near our family. But being a Satanic parent doesn't exempt you from natural circumstances.

We had indeed made his life a glorious indulgence. We travelled extensively; he met interesting people and saw more fascinating sights than most elderly people. His death leaves a great hole of abstinence I hope you, dear Satanist, may never have to endure. Your best friend, your teacher, your legacy, gone in one fell swoop. A friendly note-spend as much time with these great creatures as you can, for you never know when it might not be an option.

On the day he passed away my wife was at home alone with him, and had put him down for a nap. During a meeting at work I got a frantic and dreadful phone message from my wife telling me to come home now. I called back immediately to hear a man at the other end of the line telling me my son was dead. In hysterics, I had my boss take me home in his car, and I arrived to a scene of total chaos. I think I'll skip what would be the next few paragraphs so I don't have to rehash what I came home to see. It wasn't grisly: his death was by natural causes. But nature can be ugly. We weren't allowed back in our son's room much so as not to tamper with potential evidence. We had the treat of being grilled by the local "Officer Friendly" for quite some time.

When officers looked around our house and started sccing things of a "Satanic nature", the questions became absurd. Here are a few:

1) Is there baby fat in your candles?

2) Do you allow the snake around your baby's neck?

3) Where do you keep your bones of dead animals (they carry discases, you see)?

4) What do Satanists think about kids? (Didn't they already figure that out from the answers to the first three questions?)

When a Christian's child is found dead in his home, do investigators commonly ask questions like, "Do you punish your children when they sin?" and "Doesn't your religion promote the idea of killing your son for the good of man?" Most certainly not! The questions got more ludicrous as time went on until someone in "authority" got there: the coroner. By then, our son had been lying dead in our house for eight hours because these officers had a sick method of inquiry. At first they told us his death was probably SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, or "crib death", an unexplained death which usually occurs, if it's going to, within the first year of life). But once they found evidence they were dealing with Satanists, their suppositions changed dramatically. How could Andrew's cause of death be SIDS in a Satanic household? Surely, there must be more. Something ominous. Something evil. But, alas, there was not.

What would normally have been an open and shut case of SIDS turned into a four-month ordeal. They examined every detail in our son's human fiber, subjected us to ridiculous lines of questioning, and made us feel worse during an extremely trying time. What a shame. All that taxpayer money down the toilet, our friends and relatives looking at us with unease, and other pressures outside and inside. The coroner seemed so disappointed that he couldn't identify any known cause of death, not because finding one might help us prevent such a death with any future children but because he wanted to crucify us. Our son was finally able to rest in February, 1997. Case closed.

Andrew is alone in his own patch of cemetery, with a large trapezoidal headstone marking his grave. The Law of the Trapezoid communicates our frustration to the viewer: something is missing in our family now. Same with his headstone. It is bothersome to the viewers, except my wife and I understand the significance-something which is not there, but travelling on the fourth dimension.

Time has healed some wounds, but the residue will always be there. As it should be. He was part of our pack, our world. Now forever gone. Thank you, son, for the time you did give us. May you find comfort in the darkness. We miss you, and cherish your memory always. HAIL ANDREW!A

Jeff and Rachelle proudly announce the birth of their son, Nikolas Wade Benezkenial Nagy, born 8 August XXXII A.S. The past is never entirely healed or forgotten, but new eyes and mind now beckon you to follow him into the future. Hail Nikolas!

ARSENAL

-The latest Black Flame (Vol. 6, #1 & 2) is out and looks better than ever. The cover is newsstand-quality, as are all the articles and reviews crowding its pages. All of the voices here are strong and deliciously diabolical. The excellent articles are just the beginning; you'll spend the next six months tracking down all the addresses, sources and references from the ads and reviews packed into TBF's 60 pages. Then the next issue will be out! Order yours now by sending $6 ($8 outside the U.S.) to: Hell's Kitchen Productions, Inc., Post Office Box 499, Radio City Station, New York, NY, 10101-0499, USA.

-An additional publication from HKP is Grue. If you're at all interested in horror or dark fiction, this small-press periodical is the one to buy. Not only has Grue won a World Fantasy award, many of Grue's stories have been anthologized and its authors have gone on to become known as the best in the field. The editors are able to use this forum to communicate their Satanic aethetics both fictionally and graphically. Order a copy ($5 US/$6 Canada) from the address listed above (Hell's Kitchen Productions, Inc.) and be assured of a spooky evening's read.

-While we're on the subject, another truly outstanding Satanic magazine is Not Like Most published by one of our Priests, Matt Paradise. The latest issue, #5, includes an overview of religions and a complete run-down on current Satanic websites by Rev. Paradise, an excellent article on dueling by Richard Canino, and an interview with Reverend Michael Boc. This magazine is always well-written and graphically polished, $3 is a small price to pay for this kind of quality, but order your copy before the publisher realizes it. Post Office Box 8131, Burlington, VT, 05402. Purging Talon Press can also be contacted through their website: users.aol.com/boysalan/ ptp/nlm.htm.

—The Raven (Issue 23/24, Winter/Spring XXXII). These guys never miss! They've got the perfect blend of solid Satanic wisdom and a finely- honed sense of humor. ("Of course you've heard the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper that sold his soul to Santa." Bumper sticker they'd like to see: "Very funny. Scotty-now beam up my clothes." "Make it idiot-proof and someone will invent a better idiot." Har, har, har!) There are great articles by Joshua Colvin. Neil Smith and Eric Schroeder. Where else can you read about Yma Sumac, Ricky Ricardo, some yo-yo who hooked up a jet engine to his Chevy Impala, whisky and Satanic cocktails all in the same issue? Get a copy now. ($4 and appropriate postage to: N.B. Smith, P.O. Box 163, Stratford, CT, 06497-0163)

-Rev. K.S. Anthony has put together some of the best of his Conquer Now! articles and you can order it by sending $7 to: 3288 21st Street, #67. San Francisco, CA, 94110. His words are strong and inspiring with a fine sense of purpose for our Satanic future.

Scapegoat Magazine is still alive and kicking hard. The last issue (#9) included interviews with Boyd Rice, the Electric Hellfire Club and yours truly (though I would like to clarify for the record that my family crossed the American prairies as pioneers, not prisoners). Reverend Kamieniecki is very supportive and has a firm grasp of Satanic practices and principles. Send $4 in U.S., $6 outside U.S to: Scapegoat Magazine, Post Office Box 381198, Hollywood, CA. 90038-1198.

One of our Canadian affiliates, The Black Pun-kin, recently came out with Volume 3, #1, and it certainly lives up to the fine standards they've already established. There are really too many inspiring articles to enumerate. We liked the Satanic crossword puzzle! The cover is a striking portrait of Dr. LaVey as an Egyptian pharoah. There are a couple of dramatic rituals and recipes included. Certainly a magazine any dedicated Satanist wouldn't want to be without. You should know, too, that they are going to publish a magazine of dark fiction called Minions From Beyond. If you have any short stories or poetry you think might be worthy, send it to the editors at: The Black Pun-kin, P.O. Box 32017, 1386 Richmond Road, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, K2B 1A1. Send $7 in U.S. or Canadian funds, or $10 overseas for the current issue of The Black Pun-kin.

-Our hellraisers in New Zealand are still mixing it up with a number of informative periodicals and pamphlets. Their main digest-size magazine is called The Nexus, which, according to their description, explores the dark or Shadow side of history, culture and politics, questioning the holy dogmas of the status quo. They've also published several well-researched tracts on Lovecraft and Fascism, Dietrich Eckart, and other topics. While other magazines covering the same topics might quickly degenerate to "white pride" ravings, Rev. Bolton's publications are well- researched and ultimately driven by a sincere love of European culture-and it shows in his work. Send $7 for sample copy to: Realist Publications, P.O. Box 1627, Paraparaumu Beach, NEW ZEALAND.

---Just as we were completing this issue, we received the latest Diabolica and found it compelling enough to mention here, even though it meant re-balancing the text and photos throughout the rest of the magazine. (What a sacrifice-the computer does most of it anyway!) The highlights of this issue are the extensive fetish photos taken to illustrate the central interview with Keith Howarth who owns a Detroit shop called Noir Leather, "The Setian Plague", "Herd Church Tactics" and some articles by Michael Rose, George Sprague, Tani Jantsang and others. There's also a revealing interview with Reverend Thomas Thorn of Electric Hellfire Club conducted by GM Kimberley Closson. Get this issue (#5) by sending $6 U.S./$7 Foreign to: AZAZEL, Post Office Box 53, Allen Park, MI, 48101-0053.

-How about some sexy Satanic vixens to brighten up your ritual chamber or bed chamber? GOTHEROTICA is exactly what you need to stimulate those...oooh so magical energies. This is the real thing, photographs of gothic gals overseen by a Satanic priest and Magister in the Church of Satan. Altar nudes, women in capes, standing brazenly in front Baphomets, with custom photographs also available. Only $32 for color or black and white set of 5 8x10 glossy photos, or $52 for set of 10 (price includes shipping and handling). Discreet packaging, of course. Make all checks or m.o. payable to Robert Johnson and send them to: Gotherotica, 230 East 44th Street, Suite 14B, New York, NY, 10017. You must include a written statement that you are over 18 years of age or the materials won't be sent to you. If you want a sample of what they have, you can see their web link through www.satannet.com. There's a magazine in the works, too, I'm told, so you might want to contact them by phone (212) 726-1848 for further details.

-Another Satanic zine that never misses is The Raging Sea published by the Leviathan Grotto in Santa Cruz, California. Their latest issue (#4), hot off the presses, includes some truly inspiring essays, a great article on haunted sites around Santa Cruz, and some fine pieces by one of their regular writers addressing questions aimed at Satanic women. This issue is $3.95 but you should probably include enough extra to cover postage. The Raging Sea, Post Office Box 5297, Santa Cruz, CA, 95063-5297.

--Interesting books can be found in unlikely places. There's a series of books put out by Writer's Digest Books called "The Howdunit Series" which are marketed toward mystery writers. A few of the titles to date are Body Trauma, Cause of Death, Armed and Dangerous, Scene of the Crime, and Deadly Doses. They cover topics like autopsies, crime scene investigations, guns, poisons, and what various traumas like ripped off limbs really look like. Why do you need to know about these things, you might ask? Well, you can spot false information in novels and nonfiction, you can sneer at stupid movie blunders, you can write with fewer embarrassing mistakes, you can plan the perfect murder. Who knows when you might need information like this? One of the titles in the series, Malicious Intent, mentions Dr. LaVey. Look in the "Reference" section of your nearest bookstore for these and other useful language and writers' reference books.

-Another new book I'd recommend that you might not hear about otherwise is The Art and Science of Fencing by Nick Evangelista. If you've been intrigued by the sport, this book will make you want to grab a foil and join your local salle. Evangelista has taught both theatrical and sport fencing for nearly twenty years and communicates the nuts and bolts of the sport as well as the romance. It's an engaging (sorry) sport for Satanists, who natively like swords and knives anyway, and who enjoy the drama, strategy, history and physical demands all blended so perfectly in fencing. No, it won't do you much good in a street rumble to know the difference between a parry and a riposte, but to encourage physical and mental agility, poise, timing, courage and stamina, there are few sports equal to fencing.

-A Guest CD Review submitted by Michael Rose (notorious editor of the lamented From the Pit):

Stokowski's Mussorgsky

I think that most of us are familiar with Modest Mussorgsky's classic musical picture of a Witches' Sabbath, “Night on Bald Mountain”. Many other pieces by this composer are also well worth getting to know. Much of Mussorgsky's music is most commonly available in the versions arranged by the composer Rimsky-Korsakov (or in the case of "Pictures at an Exhibition”, in Ravel's orchestral transcription). This CD presents Stokowski's arrangements of these wonderful musical masterpieces. Don't think that you don't need this CD because you already have some Mussorgsky CDs. These versions differ markedly from previous arrangements and should not be missed. The contents include "A Night on Bald Mountain", a symphonic synthesis of "Boris Gudunov", "Entr'acte to Act IV of Khovanshchina” and "Pictures at an Exhibition". The music is performed by the BBC Philharmonic with Matthias Bamert conducting. Finally, in addition to everything else, it has a wonderfully evocative picture on the cover. Rush out to your local music store and get this one today. Stokowski's Mussorgsky is released by Chandos Records. El Cid

This is Miklos Rozsa's magnificent score for the movie El Cid. This one is a lot of fun to listen to. It is, by turns, rousing, bellicose, and poignant. The extensive liner notes contain information about Rozsa's scoring of the film, a listing of his scores, a wealth of information about the film, and numerous stills from the movie. While it is nice to know that the grand orchestral score is making a comeback in Hollywood, it's hard to top the old masters. And Rozsa is definitely one of them. Get this CD and find out why. The music is performed by the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra with James Sedares conducting. It is released by Koch International Classics.

-Another consistently well-researched magazine is Murder Can Be Fun, published by John Marr. Mr. Marr's digest-sized exploration of Disneyland accidents, children who kill, and a whole series devoted to weird and wacky disasters, mishaps and murder is well known to those in the 'zine scene as one of the pioneering publications in the small press revolution. He's a tireless researcher; you'll find information here that you simply won't find anywhere else. And isn't that what small press is really all about? Send for a sample copy, then order his entire run of back issues. They're cheap and you won't be sorry. Send $3 in U.S., $5 overseas for a sample copy to: MCBF, Post Office Box 640111, San Francisco, CA 94164- 0111.

-There's a great new video guide which will appeal to all you who appreciate esoteric cinematic delights: VideoHound's Complete Guide to Cult Flicks and Trash Pics. There are several mentions of Dr. LaVey in here but that's not the only reason you should pick up this book; it just shows the editor has good taste. The best part about this guide is that the editor is completely trusting of his own taste. If he (she?) likes it, it's in there. Marx Brothers' "The Cocoanuts" is right next to "Color Me Blood Red". Waltz through this guide, make a list of possibilities and take your list to the weirdest video rental place you can think of. The book also has terrific references, websites, books, distributors and indexes by categories, actors, directors, etc., and some really funny sidebars and pull-quotes sprinkled throughout. It's published by Visible Ink Press and should be available or orderable through all major bookstores.

-If you're ready to try to learn a keyboard instrument but haven't been able to find a good source for instruction books and simple sheet music arrangements, request information from Schaum Publications, Inc., 10235 N. Port Washington Road, Mequon, WI, 53092. Their system of learning is easy to follow on your own, at your own pace. They've got great books for both adults and kids which include music appreciation, technique, basic harmony and other elements of music theory. The books come in a plain brown wrapper so your neighbors need never know that you're trying to learn real music.

-Tis the season, almost. No, not the worship of the risen Sun God. OUR night to howl! And we just discovered a giant catalogue no Satanist should be without, since every night is Hallowe'en for us. Halloween Outlet, "We Do Fright Right" and they aren't kidding. Their big, glossy catalogue is $4 from 246 Park Avenue, Worcester, MA. 01609, or you can call 1-800-HALWEEN. The full-color catalogue is like a nightmare wishbook. They've got very expensive animatronic figures (an electric chair and, my personal favorite, the guillotine wouldn't that be a great conversation piece in the front parlour?), masks, make-up, props, effects machines of all description, and even contact lens to make your eycs reptilian, glowing blue or feline slit pupils. Incredible. Halloween. It's not just for breakfast anymore.

-Here are a couple of book reviews submitted by Christopher Turner which you might find elucidating: I'm writing to inform you of a couple of books heavy with Satanic themes but totally devoid of references to Satanism or the Church of Satan. First is a stupid paperback called Raising Hell: A Concise History of the Black Arts and Those Who Dared Practice Them by Robert Masło. Published in October of last year, it miraculously avoids any mentioning of LaVey or the Church of Satan. It does focus on signing a contract in blood, selling your soul, and on the "boomerang" effect that such actions have on the hapless fools who dare tinker with the "black arts". Junk food masquerading as a browser's historic encyclopedia.

The other book is much more interesting and might be of value to Satanists. It is called Demonic Males and is a study of the origins of human violence and evolution, written by anthropologists Richard Wrangham and Dale Peterson. They spent years studying different apes in the wild and found that acts normally attributed exclusively to humans occur throughout the animal world (not news to us, but to have it so thoroughly documented is refreshing). Of particular note is the fact that violence, lethal raiding, territoriality and ultimately patriarchy and patriotism are natural and effective products of sexual selection. It is well researched and a handy reference for countering cultural determinists who believe all such "demonic" behaviors are programmed by too much culture. The major downfall with this book is its apologetic pandering to feminists, as it refutes their claims of cultural exploitation and presents such behaviors as natural and productive. A scientific study to prove what everyone used to know-what next? Published by Houghton Mifflin Co. Usually in the Psychology section. Thought you might want to know.

-Michael Hunt Publishing has reprinted a special centennial edition of the infamous Might Is Right by Ragnar Readbeard. In Dr. LaVey's introduction to this notorious book, he tells the tale of why he excerpted it for inclusion in The Satanic Bible, how he happened to find it and who he thinks "Ragnar Redbeard" might be. The editor who went through the text with a fine-tooth comb perceives two distinct writing styles and suggests it may have been written by two people. Definitely a book to be included among your collection of rants and oddball tracts. (See page 4 entry on Expo of the Extreme for Michael Hunt Publishing's address.)

-On a similar note, one of our Priests just sent us a book that's sure to enrage everyone on both sides of "The Jewish Question". It's titled Adolf Hitler: Founder of Israel, and argues, rather convincingly, that the entire Nazi regime was the ultimate Jewish conspiracy. Hitler's grand Teutonic mission is finally revealed here. One of the best aspects of this book is its rough translation from the original German into something like English. It's distributed by New Century Press in America (1-800-519-2465) or you might want to try this address: Modjeskis' Soclety Dedicated to Preservation of Cultures, P.O. Box 193, San Diego, CA, 92038.

-Some of the most beautiful women I've ever seen have been among the "Goldwyn Girls" from the Eddie Cantor movies like Roman Scandels, and paintings by artists like Gil Elvgren and Earl Moran who did a lot of Mutascope cards and other pin-up art in the 1930's-1950's. Now there's an exhaustive book out that covers The Great American Pin-Up, by Charles Martignette and Louis Meisel. This is a thick, heavy art book published by Taschen. You won't find a more comprehensive book on this subject and the colorful, lively, sexy cuties are entrancing,

-You'll find the same kind of pulchritude in a magazine called TEASE!. It's a slick-format magazine devoted entirely to cheesecake, pin-up art and pseudo-sleaze of the 40's and 50's. TEASE! is published and edited by the energetic Greg Theakston who started The Betty Pages and who was the moving force behind Bettie's 90's popularity and eventual re-emergence. Their latest issue, #7, is the "International Issue" and evokes a time when there was such a thing as the exotic, the foreign, those far away places and people you only read about in books and heard about in song. There's a lengthy exotic music article by one of their best writers, Susan Barrows, some articles on Josephine Baker, an interview with artist Punz Wolff, and profiles of Robert Sarsony and Heinz Villiger (those names probably don't mean anything to you-that's why you should see their artwork!) and a layout on LULU, the Danish postcard diva. One of their best features is "Homemade Cheesecake" with some sexy photos submitted by amateurs who really know a great pair of gams when they see them. I hate to sound crass but besides the great pin-up art, they've got some terrific ads in this magazine, telling you where you can get some of this kind of stuff. This is a fine magazine which you'll probably find worthy of a subscription. Send for a sample copy from Pure Imagination, Box 669902, Marietta, GA. 30066. The cover price is $6.95, then add appropriate postage for domestic or overseas delivery. Subscriptions are $28; $38 for foreign.

-Most of you already know Dr. LaVey's thoughts on the majority of modern films, so you know we don't watch many. But once in awhile we get an enthusiastic endorsement from a trustworthy source. Someone recommended Sling Blade and we were pleased to discover a recent release worth watching. In many ways it's reminiscent of John Huston's Wise Blood in its painfully-accurate portrayal of certain human types found in the American South. I don't want to give away too much of the story but the whole tone is claustrophobic yet ultimately cleansing in a sinister sort of way. Rent it, watch it, trust me.

-Of course, I've mentioned these people before but we recently received their latest catalogue and it's such a blast I wanted to mention it again. WFMU Catalogue of Curiosities is a one- stop shopping guide for hip music and publications. They've got everything from Space Age Bachelor Pad music to Krautschlock. Besides that, their catalogue is really funny--certainly worth the paltry $2 cover price for all those chuckles. Of course, they carry all the Doctor's stuff, along with many other Satanists' words and music. The section we had the most fun with this time was "Japan Unhinged”, largely written in Japlish: "Nice meet you!", "Have listen with sound to overcome with long-standing desire! Not for just puppet people anyhow." Send your two bucks to: WFMU Catalogue of Curiosities, P.O. Box 1568, Montclair, NJ, 07042. Web address:

www.wfmu.org.

If you know of something you think other Satanists would be interested in, or want to do a guest CD, catalogue, movie or book review (please!), send a pithy paragraph or two along to this magazine, addressed to ARSENAL.

The French, They Are A Funny Race

by Anton Szandor LaVey

Hector Berlioz was practically having a shit fit. "I've been working on this fucking thing all day. I tell you, I can't do a fucking thing with only five tracks. How do you expect me to compose with this fucking piece of shit!?”

"Don't go ballistic on me, Heck. You just got that sequencer two months ago!”

Hector's old lady scratched her crotch with one hand and popped the tab on a fresh Bud with the other. She gave a mighty sigh.

"I don't know why you all of a sudden can't compose. Last week you spent a whole day looking for the right parameter to access channel fourteen, when all you had to do was MIDI through local."

"Aw, shut your face, Mimil If you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, don't talk!"

"It's really a crying shame you have that attitude, Hector. For criminy sakes...I remember when you were writing fucking concerti with your Casio VL Tone."

"I told you, get outta my face. Mimi! That was when they were still into Hip Hop! For Pete's sake, distributors won't even listen to that fuckin' shit any more! If I had me that new Alesis, I could get my shit together!"

"Now, Hector...don't be so quick to blame your gear. You know perfectly well that...”

“Goddam it, Mimi. It only takes up half the rack space and has some killer sounds I need for the new symphony."

One week later:

"I told you, Mimi. All I needed was to layer track five. You can almost hear the guy shit in his pants as he climbs up to the fucking scaffold! This is the bitchinest thing I've done yet! What do you think of the apocalypse theme? Sort of reminds me of The Car with a little of Mad Max thrown in. Darn it to heck! This is the best darn fucking symphony I've done yet! Jeezus Christ!”

"Don't blaspheme, Hector."

"I even got the tracks all laid down for the fucking witches sabbath. Now all I gotta do is think of a fucking name for it...What do you think of it, Mimi?"

"Hector, it's fantastic!"

Fellow Travellers

With all the misinformation regarding Satanism, it's always heartening to read over the applications for active participation we require for further progress within the Church of Satan. It's clear that Satanism is understood and enthusiastically embraced by the majority of people who join our ranks. Over the next few issues, we'll take a look at some of the answers we've received from various comers of the world. This is what Rexxar Dracula, of California, wrote in response to "Define Satan":

Satan is the deification of an idea. He represents the rebel, the outcast; the one who lives by logic and reason, not faith; the challenger and accuser; the individual who does not blindly follow the herd. Satan is a real force because many consentually agree upon the existence and nature of this force.

When Satan came of age, he travelled the Earth, enjoying its delights and unraveling its mysteries. He came upon a majestic castle. People said that the lord of the castle created the Earth. Satan sought council with the so-called Creator and was granted an audience. He was seated at the table of the lord. Many others were present at the feast and what a splendid feast it was! All manner of magnificent food and drink were laid out upon the table. When a servant brought in the unusual meat, Satan thought it strange that most present bowed to the servant. Then he realized they were bowing to the meat, which was equally bizarre. The lord sliced the meat; all present had some put upon their plates. Although it looked enticing, Satan found its odor offensive and did not partake of it. The lord insisted that he try the meat, which he did. The taste was repulsive. His body would not accept it and vomited out its vile substance. He realized the essence of the meat was self-loathing. blind faith and obedience to the hypocritical lord. The lord was furious, shouting that Satan was an animal, and ordering that he be haltered and led into the wilderness.

The beasts of the field were attracted to him; and sensing his hunger, brought all sorts of food to him. They feasted together, enjoying themselves so much the sounds of their revelry echoes throughout the land. From glen and glade outcast humans who also found the meat of the lord indigestible joined in the festivities, each contributing in his own way. Some ate from bowls of earth and wood, others from plates of fine silver. All felt unified and empowered by this union.

Later, everyone knew it was time to leave. Their families must be fed, clothed and sheltered. Some agreed to come together regularly in small groups, some were undoubtedly solitary creatures. Before leaving, everyone looked for Satan but he was no where to be found; neither was the fairest maiden, Tiamet, who had flirted with him so passionately. Everyone could feel the power and protection of Satan flowing through them, even though he could not be seen.

Some said he and Tiamet sank to the middle of the Earth while making love, so powerful was their wildly lustful passion! The force we embrace as the Powers of Darkness is the energy of their fulfillment radiating through the Earth and energizing us. They believe Satan and Tiamet will emerge again some day and bring us all together. Others say their passion consumed them and this energy was subconsciously absorbed by the hungry participants of the feast; that Satan and Tiamet actually become a part of all who had shared with them. These others also believe that the power of our minds will some day create another Satan and Tiamet. All long for the day when we can openly celebrate in their honor and proclaim our allegiance to them.

Satanic Self-Defense

by Nemo

Before you read another word, let's cut to the core. Unlike the many pretentious so-called martial arts "masters" you may have heard about, I am actually qualified to discuss this topic. Involved with various fighting systems since my experiences with the U.S. armed forces during the Vietnam era, I continue to teach the Japanese art of aikijujutsu at two physical arts centers in a nearby city. This particular version was created by a now- retired (but still breathing) undercover narcotics officer. In this capacity I have had the pleasure of instructing various police officers, US Army Rangers, Recon and Special Forces members as well as the general public at large. In other words, 1 do know what I am speaking about here. This isn't television.

It has been pointed out to me that there are many Satanists who are both interested in and actively involved with the practice of the martial arts. Why is this so? What seems to draw so many of our kind to the brutalities of physical combat and formalized training?

I believe that the first cause is obvious. Satanists are far more likely to see the dangers of street crime as real than the average person. Most people will read about muggings, killings, rapes and all the other very real hazards of modern life especially in the United States but then try to ignore what that means to them personally. The average person prefers to deny the danger as real. The Satanist denies himself the luxury of denial.

In line with this, the Satanist tends to take action once a problem has been identified. Thus the Satanist recognizes that he may have to defend his life from multiple assailants bearing weapons and so he sets about taking the steps to improve his odds for survival. The average person who comes to realize there is a real danger in the streets will usually fail here miserably and end up either rationalizing the danger away ("The police will protect me") or selecting inadequate means for self-protection ("I'll carry a keychain shriek alarm"). The Satanist tends to think through the options available and honestly assess their effectiveness.

The heart of this issue is that most people don't want reality to be the way it is and prefer to live in their fairy-tale worlds even when such blindness threatens their survival. It is not "nice" to hurt another human being. It is not "nice" to even think about having to hurt others. Those few who do try and take some precaution usually go at it in a half-hearted way. They suffer from the same "victim consciousness" which causes someone to hesitate when attacked. It is that momentary hesitation which always spells the difference between safety and danger, life and death.

The essence of self-defense training is not to learn how to mechanically move your body to effectively evade attack nor to meaningfully strike back. These issues are simple to learn. The principles are inborn in the human animal. Everyone already knows what is effective in a fight. No, the essence of self-defense is to be able to act without hesitation when violence happens. This is what all the years of training is about.

It is a physical fact that the older one becomes, the slower the reflexes become. Whether measuring the response time involved in hitting automobile brakes or deflecting a knife thrust, the older we get, the slower we get. But speed is not the issue. It is the speed with which we act, not the action's speed, which is critical in self-defense.

Let me give you an example. About ten years ago I accidentally knocked a glass of water off a shelf. My hand reached out smoothly and slowly and caught it. No one was more astonished than 1 was at what my hand seemed to do on its own. This is the heart of self-defense training: to cause the body to respond before thought, before the need for decision in the face of a physical action. I have seen this concept demonstrated over and over so many times that it is no longer an issue of opinion. I am certain of its validity.

This then brings up the levels of experience once martial arts training begins. The beginner is only interested in speed. The beginner's mistaken top priority is to move faster than an attacker time, the beginner begins to understand that in the real world, it is not how fast one moves but whether there is minimal hesitation to start moving which makes the difference. Timing is everything.

Most people believe we live in a civilized world. Satanists know better. Most people live their lives in an unconscious fog, moving back and forth through their mindless routines, driving the same routes through traffic, performing the same meaningless tasks day after day and dreaming the same hopeless dreams without cease.

In the ordinary world, the average individual goes into stunned shock when presented with a violent attacker. His normal world of unconscious habit is disrupted. He enters into a condition of complete denial. He panics. He freezes. He hesitates. Into that gap of stunned hesitation the "uncivilized" attacker strikes.

The Satanist who involves himself in self- defense training wants to overcome this hesitation. With sufficient experience, the Satanist realizes the importance of acting automatically, of not having the body wait until the mind understands that it is time to do something. That takes too long.

I have had the pleasure of watching skilled old men slowly dismantle the lightning-speed attacks of young men in their prime. To avoid a bullet, you only need to be a millimeter out of its path. To avoid a knife thrust or slash you only need to be slightly outside its path. Moving small distances does not require great speed, only unhesitating precision.

To the uninitiated this looks like magic...and it is. It is Lesser Magic, as defined in The Satanic Bible. For example, one variation of my art I particularly enjoy requires only small, quick waves of the palm to deflect attacks and cause the attacker to collapse suddenly to the ground. I finally realized that this was particularly satisfying because it looks as if I am making a quick magical hand gesture which instantly results in a dramatic destruction of the attacker. There is a beauty to accomplishing such challenging feats, a sense of completion which is usually only found in completing a work of art. I feel this is the true essence of the "art" in martial arts.

Because the martial arts are constantly grounded in the physical world and not in the world of fantasy or dental, Satanists are attracted to this practice of Lesser Magic. As the Satanist continues in his training, he evolves to more and more subtle versions of the arts. Though not always true, the tendency is for the Satanist to move from the more "obvious" arts where there are clear "combat postures" to the more "hidden" arts where the practitioner simply stands casually and normally but can perform acts of power and authority.

The beginner to the martial arts is often captivated by the exotic postures of visible combat stances as found in karate, Tae Kwan Do, and the multiplicity of Chinese, Indonesian and Filipino martial arts. (To be fair, the more advanced practitioners of any art will tend to come to the more subtle, "hidden" postures but we are examining here the fixed stages of training most commonly found.) The obvious postures of combat stances may seem very appealing to the beginner. Perhaps, in very rare circumstances, he believes taking such a posture will intimidate a would-be assailant. In reality, there is usually no time for such posturing anyway.

Which brings up the incredibly important issue of what self-defense exists for beyond teaching your body to respond effectively without hesitation when attacked. Self-defense is most usually what I call "the ancient art of not being there." If you are in a situation where someone is involved in primate politics, yelling at you and making threatening gestures-leave! Get out of there! If you can't do that then agree with them. Apologize. Smile. Act friendly.

To understand this better, go to the zoo and watch the monkeys. Chimpanzees are closest to humans and give the best, unvarnished view of this basic interaction. As long as the primate is acting angry, jumping around and screaming, there is no immediate danger. The smart monkey gives in and acts cowed or runs away. Such monkeys live to breed and thereby pass on these instinctual self- defense techniques to their descendants. The angry monkey wants dominance. Usually (though not always) giving in when evasion isn't possible, will defuse his need to win. He's won. You agreed. End of argument.

However, the human ape has mastered a harsher level of social politics. The serious human attacker, the professional criminal, seldom indulges in ape politics except with family and friends. With outsiders, with prey, it is all deadly serious business. With serious attacks you don't see the knife before you are slashed, you don't see the gun before you are shot.

This is why the highest level of self-defense is to not be where you are likely to encounter trouble. The advanced Satanic martial artist avoids the wrong neighborhoods, avoids being out at the wrong time in some areas, and, sometimes, simply avoids the United States completely in favor of less violent areas internationally. In the U.S. the growing tendency has become for muggings to result in serious injury or death, whereas in Europe, for example, you tend to only get your pocket picked. For this same reason, some astute Satanists moved out of Los Angeles following the race riots.

Admittedly this does not sit well with the immature Satanist who is still focused on only "The Book of Satan" in The Satanic Bible. The inexperienced or what I call "young" (not necessarily young in years, just young in understanding) Satanist seeks to offend one and all who are not in agreement with Satanism. He fails to comprehend the subtleties of the Balance Factor. He picks fights where it serves no purpose. If these words sting, I say again, go and study the monkeys at the zoo.

So when all is said and done, I am reminded of old World War Two U.S. Army Rangers who always refer to themselves as "fat old men". These "fat old men" move slowly, speak softly, feel no need to prove they are right, and generally avoid trouble by simply not being where trouble occurs or magically vanishing from view if it does. This is the ultimate level of Satanic self-defense: to be so certain of your personal value that there is no need to prove it to anyone.

So beware the man who smiles and remains calm when threatened.

He might be a Satanist.

By Any Other Name

(LaVey spin-offs and rip-offs)

It has been suggested to Dr. LaVey on more than one occasion that he should write a book of collected Satanic parables. Unlike Jesus, who illustrated his dictates with boring stories, Dr. LaVey illustrates his points with jokes. He has a lexicon of several dozen jokes that become shorthand for an array of human foibles and behavior. One of his parables involves a young man who has come before the judge, along with several other men, charged with homosexual soliciting. The judge asks the first young man if he has anything to say for himself and the fellow says, "Yes, yes, your Honor. You see, the gentleman completely misunderstood my meaning, sir. You see, I didn't say what he thought I said at all. What I really told him was that I was a SOCK TUCKER. I work in a clothing mill where we make socks. It's my job to tuck the individual socks together before they're put into packages. I didn't mean any offense." The judge looked dubious but asked the next man if he had anything to say. "Yes, yes, I do, your Honor. You see, the man I offered my services to didn't understand what I said either, your Honor. What I said was that I was a COKE SACKER. I work in a coal mine and I bag coke-that's a name for a particular kind of coal, sir. I really didn't mean any harm," he said, smiling coyly at the judge. The judge frowned at him and asked the next young man to explain himself. "I'm a CORK SOAKER, your Honor. I work at a local winery, sir, and before the corks go in the bottles they have to be properly soaked or the wine will sour over time. I thought the man looked like he was in the wine business and I thought I'd offer my services, that's all." The judge scowled and turned his attention to the fourth young man standing in the line in front of his bench. "And I suppose you have a perfectly reasonable explanation for what services you offered as well?" The man paused, looking at the other men briefly, then turned back to the judge with resignation. "Well, your Honor. I guess I'm the real thing."

All this is to say that there sure seem to be a great many coke sackers writing books lately. There have been several books published recently about devils, Satan, fallen angels and demonism which all manage somehow to avoid talking about Anton LaVey, or when they do, the authors dismiss the Church of Satan snidely. One of them is Raising Hell, reviewed by Christopher Turner previously in this issue. Then there are a few art books-The Devil (Chronicle Books), The Devil (by Luther Link, Abbeville Press), The Devil's Mischief, The Devil: A Biography (by Peter Stanford, Henry Holt and Company)-which don't even mention Dr. LaVey, and a couple of devilish surveys-A History of the Devil (by Gerald Messadie) and The Complete Book of Devils and Demons (by Leonard Ashley)-which mention Dr. LaVey but dismiss him. The second one mentioned, by Mr. Ashley, is impressively comprehensive but the book suffers from his tone of condescension throughout. He titters and nudges like a schoolboy whistling in the graveyard. He mentions The Satanic Bible where he has to, but says the Church of Satan (founded by "Sandor LaVey"?) "is a dead issue, or perhaps it has just lost its PR powers." He promises another book, The Complete Book of the Devil's Disciples, will be out soon and says he's open to make changes in future editions if there are any. It might be worth contacting Mr. Ashley through his publisher, Barricade Books, to let him know that Satanism is alive and well.

The Nephilim, Children of Satan

by Carlos Romero

Was man "created" by a god or gods or did man “evolve” from lower animal forms? The first thesis forms the basis of all religions. The second is the core of science, yet science cannot prove evolution because there are too many loose ends. E.g.: a "missing link" or connection between the apes and man has never been found. Scientists cannot explain why some "human" groups and individuals that exist today in various parts of the world have not evolved physically or mentally. And, most important, scientists cannot explain the sudden explosion of culture and civilization that took place about ten thousand years ago in a relatively small region of the world.

Today's mainline religions do not fare any better, for they also fail to explain the whys and the hows. Can WE do better? Decades of study on the subject provide us with some meaningful answers.

All life forms on planet Earth evolved over millions of years. Some forms survived after reaching a point of compatibility with the environment while other life forms died when they failed in the constant struggle. Primitive man had reached that point of compatibility with the environment some ten thousand years ago and as a hunter and gatherer, much like other animals, ate what was available and managed to survive as just one of the many species of beasts. But, did some humans evolve further and suddenly become capable of farming, animal husbandry, using a written language and building irrigation systems, cities and monuments that to this day defy technological explanation? That was the case.

That sudden explosion of capability for intelligence and acquisition of knowledge took place in Sumeria, Earth's first great civilization, then moved on to Egypt, Greece and the near East and on to the rest of the world. Our research must then begin with Sumeria and continue in other parts of the Near East.

Sumeria, Sumer or Shumer was located in modern Iraq, between the Euphrates and Tigris rivers, thus called the Land Between the Rivers or Mesopotamia. The Sumerians wrote on clay tablets that survived the intentional destruction of knowledge that took place during the two millenniums of Christianity and Moslem rules and only about a hundred years ago were found by archeologists under mounds of the rubble of what once were great cities, tablets that provide us with a plausible and logical explanation of creation and the origins of civilized man.

The Sumerian creation tablets are magnificent but lack of space in this article precludes us from covering them. Let it suffice for now that according to the knowledge passed on to the Sumerian scribes, the spiritual essence of creation was a great dragon named Tiamet (Leviathan [Semitic]) and that one of her offspring was named Nergal (Azaz'el [Semitic]).

The tablets tell of the gods (the offspring of Tiamet/Leviathan) descending to the watery planet and, in the area of Mesopotamia, starting great building and irrigation projects, with the work being carried out by three hundred Anunnaki (those who from heaven descended to Earth, the Watchers of Angels of the Old Testament) while three hundred of the same kind but called the Igigi (Watchers of the heavens) remained in the heavens. Time passed and the Earth Watchers rebelled against the heavy workload. One of the elders of the Assembly of the Gods, named Enki, devised a plan to relieve the Watchers of some of the burden: to breed an existing species of animal, primitive man, with the blood of one of the rebel Watchers thus producing an advanced being capable of thinking, following instructions and doing complex work with the Watchers. The first prototype was named Adamu ("primitive worker" [Sumerian]=Adam (Hebrew]) and soon a female prototype was produced, and reproduced by means of sexual intercourse between prototypes (we will call them gifted humans).

As the gifted humans reproduced, the Watchers, who were mostly male, saw in their females an attractive and intelligent being they could teach and were compatible with in many other ways, including sex and reproduction. A meeting of the Watchers took place on the heights of a massive mountain formation in what is today Lebanon and Syria and parts occupied by Israel. The leader of the Watchers was Anshe Shem Azaz'ell and He presented the assembled Watchers with a plan to teach the gifted humans the secrets of civilization and take wives from amongst the gifted females. Azaz'el made it clear to the Watchers that once they had agreed on the plan there was no turning back and all must accept the consequences of their actions. The Watchers agreed on the plan and took a solemn Oath to back their plan and their leader. To consecrate the place of the inviolable Oath (Herem (Semitic]) they named the mountain Herem (today's Mount Hermon).

The Watchers descended Mount Hermon and with the gifted females had sexual intercourse and taught the gifted humans the arts of civilization. Azaz'el, their leader, had thus become the Satan2 and the Earth Watchers had become the Nephilim3. An explosion of knowledge took place and the city-states of Sumeria were founded and rose to high levels of civilization, only to be destroyed by the leader of the Assembly of the Gods, named Enlil (Sumeria, Semitic Akkadia) and then rebuilt by the Nephilim and the Watchers. From Sumeria, civilization was carried by the Nephilim to Egypt, the Aegean (modern Greece, Crete) and the land of Canaan (modern Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Israel and Palestine).▲

1 Azaz'el: God Named Azaz, Judge and Ministering Angel. The Divine name of Azaz’el -Anshe Shem Azaz’el-, shall not be said outside the temple or dedicated places. Only in the sacred places among the Initiated shall His true Name be pronounced.

2 Satan: He who opposed the will of the Assembly of the Gods, the Adversary, the Antagonist (Semitic).

3 Nephilim (Amorite [Canaan])=Nefilim- Nephelin, derived from n-ph-1, Nephel (Hebrew [Canaan]): Fall, as in fallen angels; to be cast down; those who fell down; those who have descended. Commonly used to refer to both the Fallen Angels and their offspring with the daughters of men.

Gramarye: Magical Anachronism

Dr. LaVey has written at some length about the power of ECI and time suspension. He's also written at least one article about using English as a secret language-archaic or obscure words that others would be unfamiliar with. All of this ties into creating total environments and empowering yourself through isolation. Artists, "Bohemians". "free thinkers", have always distanced themselves from the mainstream in order to gain a clearer perspective on what they wish to portray about the world. It is also implied that they have been to the boundaries of human experience and it has marked them in some monstrous way, stripping them of the connection to humanity they once enjoyed. There are rarefied pockets in the world in which bold individuals seek to create anachronistic environments for themselves. The Society for Creative Anachronism is one such group most of us have heard of; they concentrate mainly on Mediaeval tournaments and history. There are historical re-enactment groups who recreate particular American Civil War or British historical battles. There are groups in the United States dedicated to the Old West, who get together a few times a year in their restored wagons and on horseback, have cookouts and live as the early settlers did. Or, on the East Coast of the U.S., colonial villages that people can visit to get a taste of puritanical living. There are a few avant-garde types in Holland who go on excursions in horse- drawn carriages, dressed in black, as if attending an 18th century funeral with all the surrounding pomp. Some of the young "Goths" who search beyond the black lipstick and angst-drenched posture, recognize that the black clothes and death imagery have nothing to do with Gothic architecture of 13th century Europe and more to do with the novels of the late 18th and early 19th centuries labelled “gothic" because of their use of brooding atmosphere, crumbling castles and supernatural events. These Satanic-natured Goths may actually adopt a more Victorian garb and posture, blending in a bit of the 1920's, in honor of Theda Bara, the original Vampire Kid. There's a gay couple in New York City, McDermott and McGough, who are artists who live completely in the late 19th century, from straight-razors to candlestick telephones, creating homoerotic art as if it were from that period.

The key is to subjectify the experience of the past, participate in it, not just objectify it, as one would do only for a weekend or in viewing a museum exhibit. In practicing the art of altered states, the magician suspends time by stepping into the tableau, stepping over the red-velvet rope dividing the wax figures from the viewer and stepping into the scene itself. It's easy for psychotics; they cannot separate their subjective experience from any objective reality. Yet the most powerful witches and warlocks have developed their concentration to the point that, not only do they create a subjective reality for themselves at will, they can project that perceived reality into another's mind so the victim becomes, at the very least befuddled, and, at best, convinced he's experienced something supernatural.

Speech is an easily-controlled supplement to anachronistic living. We get many letters, often from well-intentioned but uninformed would-be Satanists, often from Europe where they try to adopt American slang as a form of being hep, usually written in pen on lined paper, which run something like this:

"Hey, Dark Brothers! I think the Chruch of Santan is fuckin' awsome!!!!! I want you to send me all the fuckin' information you can so I can join the fuckin' fight to killing off all these fuckin' Chrisitans!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus suks and I get sick of all these fuckers fuckin' with me. HAIL SATIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sincere, perhaps, but hardly written from the mind of an original thinker. Now that we have a three-year-old in the house, we want to encourage creative oaths and expletives. We certainly wouldn't want our child blaspheming. Therefore Dr. LaVey compiled a list of acceptable oaths. Nothing stronger will be allowed in our son's presence. In the interests of magical anachronism, Dr. LaVey agreed to pass along his comprehensive list of alternatives to our readers, so they can perplex others by saying something truly blasphemous. Sprinkle these into your conversation and, for a fleeting instant, the veil of reality will ripple, just like the thin stage-dressing that it is.

"FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE!"

"ZOUNDS!”

"FOR PETE'S SAKE!”

"GADZOOKS!”

“FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!”

"CRIMINETLES!"

"LEAPING LIZARDS!"

"PISH! TOSH!”

"HELL'S BELLS!"

“SUFFERING SUCCOTASH!”

"CHEESE AND CRACKERS... (GOT ALL MUDDY!)”

“LAND'S SAKES!”

“ME OH MY!”

"WELL, BLOW ME DOWN!"

"WHAT THE HEY!"

“SON OF A GUN!”

"HAIL COLUMBIA!”

"WELL, I SWAN!""SON OF A BEE HIVE!”

"SWEAR TO GOD!”

"HOT DOG!”

"GOL DANG IT!”

“I'LL BE BUTTERED!"

"GOSH DARN IT!”

“WHAT IN BLUE BLAZES!”

"DAG NAB IT!"

“WHAT THE SAM HILL!”

“DOGGONE IT!”

"WHAT THE DEUCE!"

"I'LL BE DOGGONED!”

"DOG MY CATS!"

“JIMINY CRICKETS!”

"GOOD GRIEF!”

“SHOOT!”

"HOLY COW!"

“FIDDLESTICKS!”

"BY GOLLY!"

"I'LL BE A MONKEY'S UNCLE!”

"CRIPES!"

“EGADS!”

"JEEZ!"

"YOU'RE FULL OF PRUNES!”

"BY GOLLY!”

“NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX!”

"BY GUM!”

"FOR CRIMINY SAKES!”

"BY JUPITER!"

“SHUCKS!”

"OMIGOSH!"

"WHAT THE (HECK!)"

“EXCUSE MY DUST!”

"DON'T STOP NOW!"

“BY HECK!”

"THIS’LL KILL YA!”

"YOU DON'T SAY!”

"OH, FUDGE!"

“GOOD GRIEF!”

"H-E-DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS!”

"GOOD HEAVENS!”

“LAND SAKES!”

"GO TO BLAZES!”

"SAKES ALIVE!”

"HEAVENS TO BETSY!”

"WELL, I'LL BE!"

"JUMPING JEHOSEPHAT!”

"GREAT SCOTT!"

"LORD LOVE A DUCK!”

"GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!”

"HOLY MOLEY!"

“GLORIOSKI!”

“SAINTS PRESERVE US!”

"LAND O' GOSHEN!”

“GOOD GRAVY!”

“TARNATION!”

"CONSARN IT!”

"SHIVER ME TIMBERS!"

"YUMPING YIMMINY!”

“OY, VEH IZ MIR!”

"IF DAT DON'T TAKE DE CAKE!"

"SHUT MY MOUTH!”

"YIKES!"

“MAMA MIA!”

"THE CAT'S PAJAMAS!”

"THE MONKEY'S INSTEP!"

"S.O.B!”

"SON OF A SEA COOK!”

"SON OF A BISCUIT!"

"PSHAW!”

“BUSHWA!”

"ZUT ALORS!”

"AW, NERTZ!"

"OH, NUTS!"

“GOLLY!”

"GOLLY GEE!"

"HOLY MOSES!”

"BY JOVE!"

"GOSH ALMIGHTY!”

"GOODNESS GRACIOUS!"

"GOOD GRAVY!”

"BY GEORGE!”

"GREAT GUNS!"

"HOLY CATS!”

"CONFOUND IT!”

“GEE WHILLIKERS!”

“GEE WHIZ!”

"GODFREY DANIEL!”

“CUT IT OUT.....YOU'RE KILLIN' ME!”

"GOOD HEAVENS!"

"HOLY SMOKE!”

"BY CRACKY!"

"MY STARS!"

“JUDAS PRIEST!”

“BLESS MY SOUL!”

"UPON MY WORD!”

"THE CAT'S MEOW!”

“JIMINY CHRISTMAS!”

"BLIMEY!"

"HONEST INJUN!”

“CARAMBA!”

“I'LL BE A DIRTY SO AND SO!"

“I'LL BE DARNED!”

"HOW D'YE LIKE THAT!”

"WHADDA YA KNOW ABOUT THAT!"

"GIMME A BREAK!”

“HANG IT ALL!”

“AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!”

“SHADRACK, MESACH, AND A BILLY GOAT!”

“THREE CHEERS & A TIGER!”

“AW, FIGS!”

"FAN MY BROW!"

"TAN MY HIDE!"

“GREAT DAY IN THE MORNING!”

"GLORY BE!"

"HOLY MACKEREL!”

"HEAVENLY DAYS!”

"STUFF AND NONSENSE!"

"MY ACHING BACK!"

"FOR PITY'S SAKES!"

"WHADDA YA GONNA DO!"

"THAT'S TELLING ‘EM!”

"WELL, STRIKE ME PINK!”

“YOU DON'T SAY!”

"SEZ YOU!"

“SO'S YOUR OLD MAN!”

"YOUR MUDDER WEARS ARMY SHOES!"

"GO CHASE YOURSELF!”

Danse Diabolique

by Shawna Kennedy A couple of times a month I undertake a magical ritual. I prepare myself carefully. My ceremonial garb plumps up my breasts to a dangerous degree and accentuates the curve between my waist and hips. I hear the thumping, rhythmic music and give myself over to it as I spin out into the ritual space.

I am a belly dancer and every time I perform at my local Lebanesc restaurant I rededicate myself as the Satanic witch that I am. Every man who stuffs a dollar or ten into my belt, armband or bra is giving me a tangible token of the lust energy I have extracted from him. And every woman who angrily yanks a bill from her companion's hand and shoves it into her purse is telling me I'm doing everything right.

In the last 30 years there has been an unfortunate tendency to try to remove the curves from the natural shape of a woman. This trend becomes even more apparent if a woman wants to increase her vigor with a regular program of exercise. In every gym in this country the ideal shape for a woman is touted to be wide at the shoulders, narrow at the hips, and hard enough to bounce quarters off of, not soft enough to bounce on. There is a word for a person who conforms to this body type: man. In 24 years of dance training (I begged my mother to let me start dance classes when I was seven), I have found only one exercise/dance form that enhances the natural strengths and curves of a woman's body. Belly dance is the perfect exercise for the Satanic witch.

Belly dance began in the arca of the world known as the Fertile Crescent so long ago that there is no record of its origin. However, it probably began in the ancient fertility cults of that region. Egyptian paintings and pottery decorations from as early as 5000 years ago depict dancers performing recognizable steps from the belly dancer's repertoire. Dancer's finger cymbals (zills) dating to 200 B.C.E. have been found in Thebes. And the first century Roman writer Martial reported seeing slave women from Baetica (Andaluca) performing "wanton gestures to the accompaniment of Baetic castanets." Writers of antiquity have used "castanet" interchangeably with "finger cymbal".

Owing to this beginning, belly dance is perfectly suited to a woman's body. It accentuates the areas of great strength and tones the areas of less strength without changing the basic curviness that is woman. The most important part of the dance, from which it receives its name through the French danse du ventre, is abdominal, muscular movement. Most of the belly dancer's characteristic slinky, snaky movements have some abdominal component. The infamous belly roll is done by synchronized contraction of the upper and lower abdominals. The shimmy, during which a dancer rapidly shakes her hips up and down, uses the muscles of the thighs, abs, rear, and lower back to create and control the movement. One of the most graceful moves, the undulation, uses the muscles of the chest, back, abs, rear, thighs, and knees to produce the effect of a wave that slides down the dancer's body. The dance is generally done in a bent-knee position that allows for a sweeping range of hip motion and also strengthens the thighs and calves, an important point to keep in mind. Finally, because belly dance is muscular movements instead of "steps", it can be done in standing, kneeling, sitting or lying down positions. A professional dancer will often dance in all four positions during a show.

Not coincidentally, many of the belly dancer's moves also imitate actions a passionate lover might perform during sex. Pelvic lifts and drops and the above-mentioned undulations are more obvious examples of these imitative moves. Another is the taxsim movement in which a dancer moves her hips in a gentle, rocking figure- eight. A less obvious example would be a move in which the dancer stiffens a part of her body until it vibrates.

The belly dancer's costume should be mentioned as well. Although it is not the official uniform of the Satanic witch, it has a place in her wardrobe. The basic costume consists of a heavily decorated bra, hip belt and skirt. This attire is designed to draw attention to the lovely curves of a woman's body. The bra enhances, and sometimes produces, a stunning rounded bosom with deep cleavage, which hints at another more hidden cleft. The belt accentuates the width across the hips and is decorated with fringe or tassels that jump and bounce with every hip thrust or drop.

If you're asking why this is the perfect exercise for the Satanic witch please stop reading this now and go read again that little orange book that should be in your personal library. To point out the completely obvious, anything a belly dancer can do in a vertical (or horizontal) position on the dance floor, she can do in a horizontal (or vertical) position in bed. And it is always assumed that she does. Every decent dancer I know has the "high heel walk” no matter what footwear she's in, even sneakers. Belly dance even insinuates itself into the other dance forms I enjoy. I can't help adding pelvic drops and undulations to my Latin dancing, and why would I want to? Few men, seeing these sinuous, sensuous motions, can resist trying to get my attention. Do I need to mention the response that the phrase, "I'm a belly dancer", receives? Pupils dilate and eyes glaze over. Heart rates speed up. Every witch should have such a foolproof formula for creating willing servants.

If this sounds like an exercise, both physical and magical, that would appeal to you, I would suggest that you visit the Middle Eastern restaurants in your locale and watch as many dancers as you can. When you find a dancer whose style you particularly like, start taking classes from her or her teacher. The one drawback to belly dance is that it is best learned from a living teacher and not a book or videotape and if you cannot afford private lessons you will be in a class with the herd. There you will often hear things like, "Belly dance isn't about sex." Try not to laugh, you will only waste breath you could use to dance. The fact is that belly dance comes from a culture where women are considered to have nine times the sexuality of men. In that culture anything that women do is imbued with sex and belly dance is something that women do. I became interested in belly dance because of its earthy nature and I despise dancers who try to remove or even tone down the sexual aspects of the dance. My opinions on this part of the dance sometimes put me at odds with other dancers, but as a Satanist I'm comfortable with that. I have noticed that dancers who are at ease with their sexuality and know how to tease an audience with it are the dancers who are the most fun to watch and who go home with the money.

For me, personally, I love to doll up in the make-up and costumes. I love the feel of the soft, silk veil that I cover myself in for my entrances. I love the look on a man's face when I unveil myself during my dancing, fall to my knees in front of him, and dance just for him. I love to watch the pre-adolescent boys turn bright red when I shimmy my hips six inches from their faces. And I love the way I feel when my dance set is over and I have a full belt of money, a full charge of lust energy, and the knowledge that I will be on the minds of those men and boys for weeks to come. In closing, witches, let me say that I am a professional dancer and please do try this at home or any place else for that matter.

The Last Mystery

by Anton Szandor LaVey

So far every religion in man's existence has been rooted in and dependent on mystery. All gods and their works have been elusive and/or unattainable. Religion has supplied all answers to the unknown, if faith is present in sufficient amounts. The shaman and the priest are links to the unknown, and have understandably been venerated as such. Even in an age of science, the priests of that religion are held in awe, for they may not know of angels, but can tell stories about the new mysteries: those untrodden worlds and their inhabitants. If the writers of science fiction are the fundamentalists of the new mysteries, the actual scientists are the Jesuits.

Satanism must be the religion of the future, because it is independent of mystery; i.e. it presupposes man's need for mystery, even if and where none exists.

As space is conquered, so will mystery diminish and old-time religion wane. Yet, man must have mystery. When he can no longer look to the stars for mystery, he will be forced to explore the last frontier of mystery: himself. His ultimate religion will dwell upon and depend upon the unanswered speculations about his very own universe.

When there is no longer the mystery of established religion, and mystery is still an inherent need, Satanism will provide the product.

Even though most humans cannot construct a small insect, they are satisfied as to how nature does the job. It is no longer a mystery, though it should fill one with amazement. It seldom does, however. To even the most devout believer in the profundities of a personal god and savior, bugs is bugs.

The reason that Satanism will eventually prevail, when mysteries are solved: Satanism is a wonder religion, not a mystery religion. Satanists worship that which is wonderful, rather than question that which is not known. They seek not the wisdom of their priests to find out why the earth is flat and the moon is made of green cheese and who the first man was. Rather, they pay homage at the shrine of the Stone and the miracle of its development. It is more gratifying to a Satanist to venerate a toad, than to question the heavens. When both toad and heavens are known, the wonder of each will still be present, though the toad, in its personal proximity, will take precedence.

Man will realize that what he himself is incapable of doing is worthy of veneration. In his state of awe and wonder, he will entertain and assist the Satanic standard of Meritocracy.

When all is explainable, and no mystery survives except the mystery of mans' behavior, the most religiously devout will be the most eloquent and articulate worshipers of the known-not the unknown. The poet who composes a great oratorio to a flower, will be held in greater esteem than the composer who produces a monumental work praising an obsolete god.

Insofar as "personal development" or "human potential", the Satanist is not much concerned with what he might become or how he might evolve. That is speculation and wishful thinking. It is pie in the sky thinking. Better to utilize what one already has. Experience the results. Rejoice in accomplishment. Then, with pride, wonder at your achievement. Don't prepare for the UFO to pick you up. Construct a UFO of your own. One nut who builds his own spaceship is worth one hundred who prepare for the landing. Seekers must constantly seek. Once they find "it", they are faced with the dilemma of what to do with it.

Mystery religions will always exist in one form or another. Their followers don't really want to know the answers, for their world view is based not on what they know and can do, but what they don't know, and are not expected to do. So long as they can say they are "seeking", they will be off the hook. "Seeking" implies "trying" and, like “good sportsmanship", they need never succeed so long as they are trying. A Satanist "tries" once, and if it doesn't work, moves on to something that will. The same mentality that makes a professional student, motivates the "seeker."

The seeker seldom knows what he seeks. He even seeks to know just what it is he's seeking. Invariably, in his search, the little things-the basic truths and easy answers-are the hardest to accept. The big answers can be provided by religion and, no matter how absurd, are accepted, hook, line, and sinker.

It's easier to deal with the infinite, than the finite. The shaman must have the answers. What he doesn't know, he makes up. He is believed. Religionists have always been concerned with the end of the world. It is the finite act. Yet, they must still believe there is a heaven to whence they can repair. A Satanist is a fearsome thing. He believes in tangibles. Others sense that. It frightens them, because in their own way, they are so tangible-like a dirt clod-and therefore expendable. In their present form, they could be manufactured. Then, they would be a little bit wonderful.

¿Nov Shmoz Kapop?